Control

i always have this plan in the back of my head. a way out when things get too much. i have attempted in the past (tomorrow is my one year out of the psych ward! which is a huge accomplishment because i cannot tell you when the last time i made it a full year without some sort of admission). my plan is simple. find a favorite spot on a beautiful sunny cool day. find a bench or a place on the grass. drink the water bottle that i would have previously opened capsules of meds and dissolved in the water. and fade away in comfort and serenity. my place would be the canal that i go walking with my dog and bf. sounds strange that i would choose this place, but to me this is a place of comfort that i love to go to. so why not have it be my last place? sometimes even just running through this plan in my head helps me to calm down during times of distress. it reminds me that i am in control of that choice. that when i say okay enough is enough, i can leave.