My life has always been filled with emptiness. I have never had motivation or aspirations. I completely lack in ambition. There is nothing I want to achieve no goals I want to accomplish. I have no hope for the future because I don’t want anything. If there is nothing you want what is there to hope for? I suppose the only thing I want is the desire to want. Life isn’t bad it just seems so empty and pointless and meaningless. I am not really attached to anything or anyone. I avoid people not because I hate people I am not misanthropic I just find socializing tedious and draining and I get nothing out of it. I don’t care about any of the things normal people care about I have no real interests and pretending to be interested and happy is so much effort. It also just shows me the emptiness of my own life when I have to compare myself to normal happy people. I just feel hollow inside. Sometimes I feel like a robot that has missed some critical software update and I am just sitting here waiting for whatever programming I need to give life some meaning.
I really have no complaints I can make about life. I am comfortable, I have all the necessities of survival food clothing shelter. I don’t have to worry about the future. I can spend my time however I choose I have no obligations. I am not forced to work a job I hate just to survive. I would say my quality of life is pretty good even if I am perpetually dissatisfied. I can’t blame that dissatisfaction on anything besides my own messed up mind. I suppose I like my lifestyle, at least in so far as I can’t think of any other lifestyle I would prefer. Even if most days consist of sleeping 12-14 hours and then laying in bed another hour trying to force myself back to sleep before I finally give up and resign myself to getting up. Then I just listen to music or watch tv or read or listen to audiobooks while I wait until I am tired enough that I can go back to sleep. Most days I barely eat some days I don’t eat at all. I am actually pretty thankful for my fucked up metabolism and chronic lethargy. I wouldn’t know what to do with energy if I had it. Whenever I do feel some what energized I just end up restless with my thoughts spinning around in circles trying to think of something to do and always coming to the inescapable conclusion that there really is absolutely nothing I want to do. I suppose I am starving for stimulation but I find nothing stimulating.
I don’t hate everything I don’t sit here and constantly think society sucks people suck fuck the world. I don’t hate society I think it works well enough for most people. It is far from perfect but it isn’t bad, and I am optimistic that quality of life will keep getting better and better. The inequality in the world sucks but even so even poor people for the most part have the necessisties at least in 1st world countries. Computers and software robotics the technological revolution we are in right now is changing the world even more and faster than the industrial revolution did. It is actually a pretty amazing time to live in. To watch things change so fast. Cell phones, the internet, digital media.
I just feel like the world is amazing so many wonderful amazing things going on and somehow that it is only my own perspective that sucks. it does not feel like I’m living at all, just observing the world from an outside perspective and just cringing at the hopelessness of the character I play in this movie. The emptiness and futility of their day to day existence. I suppose I have all the symptoms of depression but wouldn’t actually say I feel depressed. I don’t feel sad all the time I don’t wallow in despair. Just endless emptiness. I have no optimism for my own future. It will just be a continuation and copy of the past. Stagnant redundancy and bleak hopeless emptiness completely devoid of happiness of even the hope of happiness. Devoid of even the possibility of knowing what might bring happiness. I have always had a sense that my life will end in suicide. I don’t know how or when but it feels inevitable. Right now I am healthy and comfortable and can be somewhat content but it will never be better than this. It can only get worse. As age strips away that health and comfort and makes living more and more difficult. I can barely find reason enough to keep living as it is. So it seems illogical to believe that I would live life to its natural end through all the degradations of lifestyle and increased suffering that comes with getting old.
I suppose if I don’t like it I should change it. Any change would require energy and effort, would take motivation would require planning and goals. I don’t even know what change I would want to make since I don’t have any clue what would make me happy. Like I said I can’t think of any lifestyle I would prefer over what I have now. So why waste the effort and energy on changes that I don’t believe would result in anything worthwhile. That is the problem everything takes effort and we only put forth the effort if there is a tangible goal that is worth the expenditure.
It feels like life is always just getting worse and worse. It is such a gradual imperceptible change though over the course of months and years that it gives you time to adapt and find ways to cope. Then you look back and compare the past to the present and wonder how you let things get so much worse. When it happened how it happened. Like I used to go out and do things and now I might go months without leaving the house. Which makes me think of the anecdote about the boiling frog. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. I almost wish for something truly bad to happen rather than just this steady decline. Something sudden and brutal that I just don’t have the time to acclimate to or cope with. Something that forces a sudden end. I don’t think that will happen though, so I am just left to wonder how many more years and how hot will I let that water get.
9 comments
You sound like a rock star. You do nothing but sleep 12 hours a day and you don’t worry about money. Buy a guitar and acquire an addiction to heroin. You’ll be the next big thing.
J/k.
Um, but seriously….maybe you could become a sushi chef?
well that is certainly an option worth considering. How hard can it be to cook raw fish, that doesn’t even sound like it would require any work. Just wrap some raw fish in seaweed throw in some rice and voila. The real question though do sushi chefs get to wear those awesome chef hats?
hmm I just googled it, and it looks like no poofy chef hat for the sushi chef
But you must be passionate about it, twilighttimes. The fervor for presenting exquisitely displayed raw fish must be genuine.
I hear what you’re saying (in your post). You don’t give a shit about much. Join the club. According to the self-help gurus you must simply find your niche.
(See, this is why I hate giving people advice. I’m a hypocrite who doesn’t/can’t practice what he preaches). I think your best bet for filling the void is chronic masturbation and alcohol. (Keepin’ it real now). Cheers.
no worries man, I wasn’t looking for any advice. I know it is quite a large club especially here that don’t give a shit about anything. If you don’t give a shit about anything than why do anything. Maybe someday we will all fall into our niche but I am too lazy to actively seek one out. Hmm is that the solution you use, chronic masturbation with rubbing alcohol as a lubricant? lol
We’re all gonna die eventually – there are no ifs and or buts about it. Might as well fuck some shit up and have a good time before the inevitable arrives.
*and’s*. “No if’s and’s or but’s about it”.
Oktoberfest. Yeowza.
very true, we all die no matter what we do so may as well do what you want until then.
That was a good post, typed really well.
The only things that are capable of eliciting any sort of emotion from me are music, anime/manga, reading & gaming. These are the things/activities that I hold dear. Unfortunately, days are long and there is only so much I can handle before my chronic depression seeks to deprive me of my joy. When this happens, I just shut down and do nothing (I too sleep most of the day due to everything being so joyless and pointless).
I always dream of something big happening to force me out of this hollow life and into something with more meaning. Until that happens, I think I too will dwell within my own pot…regardless of how hot it gets