Ever since I was a child, I was never really happy with who I was. I always looked at other people and wish I could be them. Everyone is smarter, funnier, wealthier, stronger, more attractive, and/or just better off than I am.
When I was about 7, and later at age 11, I was sexually assaulted multiple times by two different people (a cousin and a fellow Boy Scout). I’m still traumatized by those experiences, but I believe I deserved it because I never said anything to stop them.
When I first developed depression, I started self-loathing. At age 13, I was diagnosed with a medical condition that explained why my body type was different from other people’s. During middle and high school, I was the butt of many jokes just because I looked different. I started to believe that maybe I deserved this. I knew that my situation wasn’t my fault, but I felt that I was a failure of a person in many respects and thus deserved the hand I was dealt.
When I was a freshman in high school, my handicapped cousin passed away. That was more than four years ago, but I still feel guilty for not being there for her.
Starting in my sophomore year, my depression worsened and caused a decline in my grades. I started to hate myself even more because I believed it was my fault for letting my life get to this point. I saw the “genius” students around me, and dwelled on how dumb I looked by comparison.
My first semester of college was a repeat of high school as far as grades were concerned. When I received my final grades, I was not happy, but my parents kept saying, “A 3.3 GPA is good!” I didn’t buy it. I would hear friends and classmates tell others how they’ve been invited to honor clubs, how they got all A’s last semester, etc., and all I thought about was how I stupid I felt because I couldn’t say the same thing.
This March, in the middle of my second semester in college, I had to drop out of school because my depression was getting really bad. My parents had to pay money out of their pocket to fly me home and seek treatment for me. I feel like such a failure. I let myself down and I let my parents down. I feel so guilty for doing this to them.
My parents couldn’t afford to send me back this semester (Fall 2014), so I was forced to stay at home. Currently, I am working a miserable job as a cashier at a family-owned restaurant. Every week, during my four days off, I do nothing but lie in bed, mope around, and think about everything bad I’ve done in life. I never thought I would fail so much at life. I had always imagined myself in the future as being a successful pharmacist who makes excellent money, living a good life. But I guess I was being unrealistic.
I wouldn’t call myself a cutter, but I have taken a knife to my arms because I felt like it showed the disrespect I had for myself and for my body.
I feel so guilty by merely existing and I feel unworthy of love. I can’t help but think I am a burden to everyone around me. Outside my family, no one cares about me. After all, why would someone love me when I can’t even love myself?
By now, you’ve probably noticed that I have many problems: I constantly compare myself to others, I feel guilty about every little thing I do, I blame myself for everything, and I always dwell on the past. But you know what? I have no idea how to fix it.
5 comments
You kinda sound like me, cept what happened to you is way worse. I haven’t gotten to the college bit yet as I’m still in my senior year, but I don’t think I’m actually gonna make it. I’ve no idea how to fix this bullshit either. My psychologist is appointing me to a psychiatrist because she thinks pills are gonna help, but I’m not so sure… Anyway, I just wanted to share my sympathies. To say that someone, somewhere is going through something similar. That you’re not alone. Sorta.
Thanks. As far as pills go, I’ve been put on a regimen myself, although I don’t really feel it working. I am doubtful as to whether antidepressants actually work because they don’t take away your problems and they don’t make life any easier. Regardless, I have stopped taking my medication without my parents knowing.
I’m not telling you not to try medication; I’m just sharing that, in my experience, antidepressants have not worked for me. Best of luck to you.
And to you too, my friend.
Your young you have so much time I’m 31 hear voices to tell me to commit suicide and all the else. Live with my family and feel hopeless. Read up about how your life is worse than others before you ever think so bad about yourself
I just can’t beiieve how much this child molesting is prevalent, I mean WTF. It’s so destroying. I hope you can rise above it somehow jrd9808. I’m not sure what to say to you but you have my heartfelt sympathies. I had abuse as a kid too and you know that it’s not you but at the same time you think it is as well…the guilt and why did it happen, why me, and the robbery of self that has taken place. How do you get that back? I just don’t know. But it’s not you, it’s him/them…fucking ratbags. Anyone who steals parts of yourself really are low lifes. It’s like your life is a break and enter crime but it involves the physical and the emotional. You can’t claim that back on insurance. Seek professional help and keep ppl who you know won’t hurt you close to you.