I couldn’t keep up with a fast-paced job for even a week.
I can’t even find a good job at all.
I can’t make my boyfriend laugh the way I used to. I can’t tell him anything that will give me more than “yeah well” or “baby”. When he says he loves me, the only thing I can think is that he doesn’t really mean it. He doesn’t ask me how my day is or try to talk about things with me anymore. But God knows he has plenty to tell his friends on his computer game.
I came to New York a month and a half ago to get away from my problems, and mend my homesickness and long distance relationship. The latter only seemed to get worse when I moved here. As for fixing my problems, sure it fixed a few. But it didn’t fix the job situation I was so fucked in when I was in Arizona.
I tell people I’m happy here. I really am, when I’m not at home moping. But that’s all I do anymore. My boyfriend won’t take me out, and I don’t know where I would take him. I get to sit at home all day alone while I’m unemployed, only for him to come home and cuddle with me for about five minutes before he goes into the computer room with his games and gaming buddies for the rest of the night. Only coming out if he wants a pot of coffee, supper I made, or sex with me. Weekends are worse because I don’t see him all day. There’s no conversation anymore. I feel like a dog sometimes.
This is no way to live.
I say I’m so happy here, and yet I’ve never had so many consecutive thoughts of killing myself since I lived in Rhode Island. I feel so unintelligent. Stupid. Useless.
If I were so intelligent, composed and useful, wouldn’t I make friends easier? Be able to make good enough conversation to get my boyfriend away from the computer for a while? Hold a job better?
I fantasize about my suicide note. What would I say?
“I couldn’t handle being so lonely anymore.”
“Maybe everybody around me growing up was right – I’m just too stupid for my own good.”
“I contribute nothing to this life.”
“I’m really sorry to those of you who actually loved me, for letting you down.”
I almost feel like I can’t run anywhere to get away from my internal struggles. And now there’s more problems than before. There’s nowhere left to run. I thought coming home, or close to it, would help me. But as it turns out, I still contribute nothing.
I hate this life.
I can’t keep up.
I want to start all over again. I want to die in my sleep, and go out with some dignity while I’m still young I suppose. Before I get the chance to fuck it all up worse.
4 comments
It is always better in the long run to try and find where you fit than to try and fit in.
Maybe you can try talking to your boyfriend about feeling that he’s not there and your feelings in general. I mean, you’re suicidal, right? What’ve you got to lose? And as for the whole job thing, just keep trying is all I can say. You can handle it if you think you can. You’re capable of more than you think. Also, about the breaking the ice bit: he’s your boyfriend, yeah? He loves you. He must think that you’re funny, sweet, and all that other gag inducing stuff. So crack a joke. Play games. Have fun. Again, he’s in love with you, so he’ll at least appreciate the attempts. =)
Communication. Tell him your feelings. I don’t understand how guys can choose computer games over their girlfriends though. Makes me mad because I can’t get a gf lol
At least you are more active than I ever been, I never worked (except for 1,5 week, but I did that to get with a friend, and was fired when I candidely asked the boss how he estimated an employee’s wage…).
I’ll echo Anunnaki’s comment (However _I_ can totally understand why guys choose games over their girlfriends, having the former but not the last.): If you really do fantasize about your suicide note (something we, clear minded people, do), write it and give it to him directly, some things we find hard to speak are easier to write, that should open the comm channel, hopefully.
That being said, I found my dad’s suicide note when I was younger, I did not do anything except tamper with the timestamp of the file to revert it to the date it had when I found it. I am still trying to figure out why the hell I was so cold toward him, I had some reasons, but none that warrants my lack of empathy.
And this useless annecdote gives rise to another possible cause why he seems indifferent to you: He might be in a comparable state of mind.