I am not literally blind, just a metaphor saying that I do not understand how I can go on anymore.
Ok so my story is kinda simple, yet elaborate at the same time. First things first, my name is James and I am 13. I have red hair so I am always the one who stands out. I am small for my age, get decent grades, am smarter than most children but I don’t do my work(hence the “decent” grades). I am a little overweight, I eat too much sometimes, and cannot lose weight. I do taekwondo, am a 3rd degree black belt, am state champ in all 3 subjects: form, weapons, and sparring. My life sounds pretty good, but it all turns for the worst once you look a little deeper. My parents always wanted me to be what THEY can show off. They never said that, but I know it is true. When I was going across the country for my state champ title, I always got what I wanted. Since I haven’t been as active as before, my parents are always looking at me and talking to me like I am a complete failure. My grades go downward because I don’t do the work, but I always need to get things out of my mind. I hate writing anything. I only like typing and talking. As I always am thinking about 2 things or more at a time, I always have to say one of the ideas out loud, and usually it is irrelevant. If I don’t say what is on my mind, I just explode with words. My teachers all hate me for this, but nobody will listen to me when I explain it. Since my teachers hate me, it always traces back to the parents, where I am grounded for weeks to months at a time. My social life at school is nonexistent and everybody thinks I am creepy. I have about 3 people I consider a little bit my friend. A girl who is the only person who treats me like a living, breathing human being, and actually cares about me. She is the only one person I care about at this point, because we are so much alike, except for the fact that she is:beautiful, has a social life, and others want to be her friend. She IS my love, and I have asked her out once even, but she thought it was a joke since the boys in school were playing some stupid game where if you lost a game of “rock paper scissors”, you had to prank-ask someone out. Then there is a guy, whom I have known since 1st grade. His parents love him, his father does things with him, he is happy. He was my “friend” then too. All the way up to last year. He ACTUALLY said that he hates me. At first I thought he was joking, until it was repeated over and over again. Our parents are friends, which is the only reason I haven’t told my parents yet. Each time he says it hurts more and more. Then there is another girl. Super smart, and you can tell as she is 10 and in 7th grade. She is fun, but the age gap makes a maturity difference that makes it intolerable for me to be around her. This makes me a social pariah. Even my band teacher dislikes me, even though I play 5 instruments well. I always let my frustration bottle up, and it is getting to a pressure of 100 psi now. I’m about to break. I can’t even control my breath rate anymore with my anger. The more it bottles up, the worse behavior I get. It’s as if x+x=2x+1/2y. And y is that extra anger each time. I need help. I just got grounded for 1.26666 weeks and I feel like dying, and have even been told by my peers to commit suicide. The worst part is that nobody wants to help me. I love physical pain to release my anger, but I won’t deface my body with any cuts. My mother has very strong prescription benzo’s (powerful sleep meds) and they have no pain in the overdose, just sleep. You just sit back, think about your love, and sleep. And I am tired, so tired. I am ready to go. Don’t try to “you have so much to live for” or “this will hurt others” because my behavioral problems will keep me from any of my dreams, and only 2 people will be hurt. It is sad. I had so much potential. I have always wanted to be a pilot for the air force. But I will never be one. I will update you guys if I actually do it right before I do it. That is IF I do it. Suicide is not cowardly, it is the most courageous thing to do. You are literaly making yourself cease to exist. I hope my story inspires you guys, because yours inspired me.
4 comments
Hey man.
I can’t claim to know exactly what you’re going through because everyone experiences emotional turmoil differently. I will say though that I do know a lot about anger and feeling lower than seems possible.
I know you don’t want to hear it, and I’m not trying to be condescending because I can tell you’re an intelligent person and I was of a comparable intellect at your age too I think. But the harsh reality is you are still so young, school is horrible for some of us, I too had pushy parents and I blamed them for how socially inept and clueless I was in school. It does get better if you allow it to.
All I can say is, you’re not alone and your feelings aren’t one bit unusual for someone in your position. Finding a healthy outlet for your aggression is achievable, you already do sports so maybe jogging, taking long walks, music, anything you think might calm you down. Assuming your parents are a little like mine, you have to take the plunge and reach out to them, sit one of them down and ask to talk openly. Explain how low you feel and how it relates to them, don’t just accuse them or blame them in a rage as it just undermines you, if you want to be taken seriously and get through; be calm, prepare in your head what you want to say. It took me 18 years to manage to do that with mine but it was worth it.
I really hope you gain a sense of perspective and realise that you’re stronger and better than all of this.
I am with Jake. My parents were two of the most abusive and two of the most intelligent, successful people I know. Interesting combo. And he’s right about school being a nightmare. I actually became a teacher because I remember how awful my school days were and am trying to be a support in the storm for kids like us.
You say you have a lot of anger. It’s hard not to take it out on yourself and others. But I’ll just say that I finally learned to take all my rage and throw it into the action of proving my parents and friends wrong. Do I still hurt and get angry? Sure, but I run or I volunteer for causes related to mental illness and child abuse, and I diffuse my anger by doing something good for others. And…best part is that people don’t hate me for it. I have made many friends by helping others out.
Hey. Your letter stood out because I come from a family of red heads. I don’t have red hair, but many people in my family do. Both of my sisters married men with red hair, (one is named james!) even though they are blonde. maybe I’m wrong, but you mentioning that makes me think it bothers you. It shouldn’t, but I know how it is to not like something about yourself.
I’m 30 years old, so maybe my advice seems crappy, but I struggled like you did. I was always told I had potential, but was “lazy.” As an adult it continued. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with adhd. It changed my life. My brother just graduated and had the same problems. His senior year was his best year, because he was diagnosed the same & the medicine helped him. It isn’t just a “study aid” … It actually helped us both with self esteem, anxiety, & feeling happy.* I’M NOT A DR THOUGH* just trying to help you find a start.
Ok, next problem. The girl. Well I’m a girl, so that helps with advice right? I really liked people when I was your age too. I have been in love too. I’m going to sound old, but at your age, even if she dates you, it might not last. The best thing to do, is be her friend. That way you’re in her life for a long time. Trust me on this.
Why are you grounded?! Like all the time? ! If it’s behavior, I addressed that with getting a diagnosis. Unfortunately, your parents are who they are. Even though that’s out of your control, try to take control of what you can.
Benzos are a BAD idea. Really any drug. They won’t make you go peacefully. They usually won’t work either. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I don’t think you’re a lost cause.
Thanks, but I have been evaluated by psychiatrists and I have been medicated with no results. Also to answer your question, I am literally ALWAYS grounded because my parents try to blame all of their problems on things other than themselves, so when I began to move away from being active, they blamed electronics. They think they are the best parents ever, but they suck at parenting. So yea they basically think that me, video games, AND every other thing that THEY think can influence me to not be the perfect child gets banned from me. Also my mom is using the banning to her advantage, so now if I want to get out of my grounding for a month, I can read some book on how to be successful and get out of being grounded, so the next day I can drop something, or even just not make my bed and get grounded for a week, then I will proceed to ask why I got grounded only to get grounded longer for “talking back”. My life is miserable, yet they say “why do you have an attitude” then ground me more for being depressed as f***.