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Who was I, but a lonesome rogue — where you were seeking eternal rest.

by Shephard


I woke up last night at exactly 0249hrs — the exact moment that the figure of beauty you see in front of you decided to call me after six months of no contact. I’m not going into specifics because right now I’m fucking tired and…for the first time since she died, I’ve decided to read what the news sites etc had to say about the events surrounding her death.

My point stands — it was no accident, and she knew what she’d gotten herself in to.

She wasn’t an idiot, but we can all be stupid at times. Especially to compromise herself in such a way with…a deranged fuckin’ creep… Taunting a woman who only wanted to go home and locking her on the balcony?! He is sick, and any man who sees women purely as conquests and/or objects of desire needs to have their face peeled back and slowly retreaded by a 70 tonne tank.

Not many people can truly attest to the wonderful soul that she was, and I’m eternally grateful for the friendship that I did share with her. Had I known she was on the GC — I’d have been there in a tickle.

Because, sadly…I have a family member who stays in that very same apartment block and was just clocking off her shift the night those tragic events went down…and if I was there, my leg was good and some ************ dared threaten my friend like that..?! I would’ve done a whole lot of sick shit to that **** face ************, that’s what… And I know some very colourful ways to redecorate an interior using human organs thanks to my time in the service.


I’m never going to forget you, W. I never did to begin with, but like I said — you’re the one who got the ball rolling to begin with, so I needed you to throw it back in so we could get back to business.

…I’m just glad you didn’t forget me. That’s all. I know I shouldn’t hurt like this as I never earned the right to; but I do. Anyway, I’m going to cry myself to fuckin’ sleep now…dreaming of the day I get to take to that fuckwit with my fighting knife and tear his meatsuit back like he were road kill and I was one hungry motherfuckin’ wanderer.

W — you know I didn’t mean what I said for that split second, which is why you let me explain myself for six months, yeah? I accept that you’re gone now. I just wish you didn’t have to take a violent exit like my father did.

You will hold the distinction as the first woman to ever bring me to tears when you spoke to me on that fateful Waitangi evening. I know you said that “…it means you have a heart”, but the truth is I’d never felt a connection like the one I had with you that night in my life before. As it stands, and always will stand — I will never feel it again.

My last and solemn promise to you is that I will visit your grave and pay my last respects before hopefully seeing you again once I punch my own ticket. I’m not sure what kind of flowers you’d like, but I’ll leave you my grenade pin necklace and I will salute you as a soldier when I leave your grave site. Not just any civilian is ever afforded such an honour, but you sure as Sherlock deserve it.

Damn you, W… I’m fucking crying now… And…I know you didn’t want to believe me because why would anyone begin to…but I did love you. I do love you.

I will always love you, my dear friend. And you owe me a fuckin’ drink if I ever see you again!!!


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Shephard (Disavowed) 10/20/2014 - 10:50 am

Could someone please fix the FUCKIN’ QUICK EDIT FEATURE?!? Thanks, love you.

Shephard (Disavowed) 10/20/2014 - 10:53 am

I have not slept in an entire fuckin’ day; I am hopped up like a ************ on Oxycodone; I’m lying here crying over my friend; and yet it’s the same shit on a different day…

theWhispersOfMySins 10/20/2014 - 10:58 am

Hugs…I know its not much but its all I can think to say cause if you were close enough I’d hug you. Sorry you are in such pain.

Shephard (Disavowed) 10/20/2014 - 11:05 am

I’m pathetic, really. I can’t change what happened and sitting here ruminating over it is only going to depress me more. I’d need my service rifle if I ever wanted to destroy any man who’d dare think about raising their voice to a woman, so why bother?! I’ll visit her, yes, but then I can take my leave…because this world is fucking sick and I no longer want any part in it.

DeathDreamer 10/20/2014 - 11:37 am

Be assured that monster will get a special place in hell. Karma will fuck him up, I am sure of it. You need closure, and visiting her grave should help.. I can imagine it’s hard, more like impossible to forget what happened, and it tears your soul apart every day. I am truly sorry you have endure this agony. Just remember that she is at peace now, and when you see her again it will be in a land with no sorrows.

Shephard (Disavowed) 10/20/2014 - 11:51 am

Eloquently deadly — I always love your style, DD.

Yeah, and if I somehow end up in the hellfire cage with that wannabe monster…I’ll wear his bones around my neck!!!

Rrie is at peace now and no doubt she’s having a drink with my father, telling him how much of a hopeless dweeb at romance I am and how I *more than likely* fell in love with her way too fast — but it can’t be helped, especially with what we talked about.

I do hope to see them both again some day. I’d be happy for you to join us too. 🙂

bluerabbitheart 10/20/2014 - 11:37 am


I’m sorry, Shephard… I’m so very sorry for what happened to W 🙁 I’m struggling to find the right words — I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain at least a little, but I know that there isn’t…

I do want to say that I think she knew that you loved her, though — in fact, I am sure of it. She was very lucky to have you as her friend, and she still is, in my opinion. I know I’ve said this before, but I think it’s beautiful how you honour her name. I hope you will get to visit her grave soon.

Please take care, and please stay safe…

Shephard (Disavowed) 10/20/2014 - 11:55 am

Sad overture: it’s okay, Kikorangi. Words are so easy to say; you’ve got to show me…ugh…wrong mood for that song.

Cautiously optimistic: I will honour her name until my dying breath. I didn’t know her long, nor as well as most other folks, but she touched my soul and that is something you NEVER forget. I couldn’t help but fall in love with her voice too…despite her sounding sort of like a Spam.

I’ll see her one day. But you take care and stay safe, okay Blue? *knusklem*

Aquamarine 10/20/2014 - 11:49 pm

She was such a stunningly beautiful woman. Whether she had wanted to die that night or not… she should never have seen her last with that fuckin’ soulless psychopath. If I met him I would want to fuck him up too. I hope he receives a life sentence in prison.

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