Hi, my name is Susanna. I’m 21 and been struggling with my entire life. And coming to the end of my road, feel that it’s meant to happen.
II’ve been through so many things in past that i wonder myself why i’m still here. Childhood went me trying to crow myself. My mother has been too depressed to take care of us, i’ve been in foster home where I’ve been beaten and sexually abused by my own brother, and by his friend. I have an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa with bulimia, had as long as can remember, been crowned to it. My ed isn’t the only diagnose that’s making me insane person, i have also borderlined personality disorder and other that aren’t related.
I have been in arelationship where i had to learn to enjoy pain and being unable to breath. I’ve had so many bruises they can’t be counted. Been cheated and broke down, who hasn’t right.. But, i found a man who actually wanted to marry me, and have children with me. He is perfect, just what i have ever dreamed of.. But i have ruined it, all by myself and my insane mind. I have made stupid fights over small things. I’m making him run away with my sickness, and i can’t find to help myself.
I don’t have any reason anymore to continue this road. I have burn here to go trhough all kind of sickness, and i don’t want to. I can’t take it anymore. I’m just simply done. I have never even seen myself any older than this. I have always, always dreamed about having a child, but knewn all the time i won’t get that long in life.
I have always had these silly deja vus’ about things, like they were meant to happen. The most i’ve ever had were with him. But i don’t get them anymore. The last i’ve had for a loong time was me being with my love one night, me being again grazy and crying over nothing, and that night i wrote my goodbye letters the few people i want to leave one.
I have been thinking the way to do it, poisoning myself with gas would be the best, but i don’t have a car to do it. So i have to figure how to get one. I don’t want him to be the one finding me.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to do it, all welcome. I’m open to all, just so finished with myself.
3 comments
Susan,I send you my low life energy. Hope sombody can use it.
I have same disorder and finding every social mouvment rather than difficult.
Cant say anything to help you in this moments. Just know there is sombody for you.
Like I still have a little hope for that. Maybe tomorrow you will met love of your life.
Shit is fucked up and stuff . I also want to end this life,but I just dont know why am I still here.
Cant suggest you nothing but we can talk if you want.
Mujotheking@hotmail.com
All the best
Susanna,
You have obviously been through more in your life than anyone should have to endure. But, that doesn’t have to define who you are and you are capable of having a good life (and certainly deserve it).
You have found love, something many of us deeply wish for and are very lucky, even if it may not seem like it during your dark moments. Believe me, that is not something worth leaving.
If I may ask, does your partner know about your past and the things you are struggling with? It sounds like he cares very much for you and I’m sure he would like to do everything he can to try and help.
Have you ever been to or considered counseling of any type? I only ask because I feel you should explore all options before seriously considering suicide.
L4Y
My friend has been a victim of sexual abuse also by her brother. They’re patents denied it for years which was excruciatingly painful for her, but she has moved on and continues to do so each and every day. She is married now with 3 kids, one who is special needs, but they pull together and make it work as a family. The eldest has a debilitating bone disorder and the middle child is dyslexic, but they manage just fine. She never thought she would be married, have kids, have a loving and supportive husband, or that she’d one day be free from the emotional bondage of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her brother, but she now has it all. It hasn’t been easy, and despite what you are feeling or what you decide to do, just know that things can turn around. She did go through therapy though, and in therapy, they teach you/give you the tools you need to process things and move forward. You deserve it. L4Y is right. .. and don’t sabotage it because you’re afraid of messing it all up. I’m good at that myself, though it sounds like there are quite a few issues that need to be worked through which= growth. Growing pains can be painful though, but can be liberating.
Also, have you ever been evaluated for PTSD? Bipolar disorder? ADHD?
It is really hard to really love if you don’t love yourself. It sounds so cliché, but it’s so true. It’s so hard and corny to look in the mirror and say it … I hate it. Have you ever tried doing it? It’s really hard to do. .. at least I would think it would be for most of us here anyway.