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afraid and alone

by Stereotype

I am scared of everything and my only comfort is the comfort of idealizing suicide and yearning to cut and burn myself.  I am afraid of an obligation I must fulfill tomorrow and I want to cut up my body so bad.  If I cut I know it will be instant relief…  BUT then I have to keep cutting.  It’s a sick addiction – and I ain’t no spring chicken, I am a practiced and experienced cutter of 18years.  I promised myself last month on my 31st birthday that my 30’s would be free of that kind of coping mechanism.  My therapist is going to be gone for a couple of weeks and I am thinking this is it.  I don’t have anyone to confess to – I have been dreaming about the salty sanguine droplets falling from my thighs.  I taste that, I smell it, I want it to be real.  What else can I do?

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4 comments

distant.road 11/7/2014 - 7:40 pm

I don’t cut… so it’s difficult for me to speak from experience. Whenever I’ve had to quit something, I tried to replace it with something else. So if you get into a situation where you feel the urge, is there something else you can do? Go for a walk, post on SP, read a spiritual verse (if you’re spiritual), or something like that. I wish I had better ideas. What I do know i that I’ve read a lot of your comments. You come across as so helpful and I hate to see you suffer. I hope that somebody can give you some ideas.

jj 11/7/2014 - 7:52 pm

Thanks – I am going to be posting on SP a lot for the next couple weeks I think. Hopefully it is not snowing again tomorrow then I can go for a walk. I appreciate your response.

nias 11/7/2014 - 7:57 pm

I’m sorry you can only get relief from your problems by cutting yourself, I don’t know what else to say, only that I hope you find a different way to cope, and you get through tomorrow ok.

jj 11/7/2014 - 9:21 pm

I thank you for your response, maybe I will find another way to cope that is better.

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