I’m not really sure how to start this, honestly ten minutes ago I didn’t see myself writing anything at all. You search something on Google and end up on a website, just reading posts. As the title suggests this is just me rambling…reminiscing…ruminating…for a lack of a better word just babbling. Madman Joseph at your service.
Throughout my life I can’t really recall a specific time when I’ve been happy, I’m sure most of us can relate to that. Though more specifically I can’t remember when my happiness wasn’t a result of something someone had done for me. It’s almost as if my happiness depends on someone, and I despise that thought. Sadly though I can’t really make myself happy. I can make myself laugh, smile, brief moments of just nothingness but I can’t cause myself happiness.
Lately that’s starting to be a real problem. I mean I’ve dealt with it reasonably well in the past but with everything that’s happened currently, it’s just….harder and I feel like I could give in to my desperation at the smallest sign of pain. See I have this memory which just keeps everything locked in, that wouldn’t be a problem if it helped me remember things for class and everything but no, mostly just focuses on the negativity. Again I’m sure others go through that. I know there’s always those talks that are like “Oh just think on all your achievements, and don’t dwell on mistakes” But really that’s easier said than done. I mean really, what are my achievements? I’ve graduated high school, fucked up every relationship, disappeared for a couple years and now I’m 21, trying to be an animator, and still having things blow up in my face. boohoo right? But really, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. There are people who have it really bad and yet I’m here feeling sorry for myself because I’m too weak to handle what this life is capable of. It’s pathetic of me, I know. It’s got to the point where drinking is my only sanctuary ( “Where fears and lies melt away.” Sorry I just to quote that hahah I’m sure someone got it.) and that’s not really good. why is it that people who want to live have to struggle and fight for their lives while others who have it moderately well don’t want to exist? I try to snaps myself out of it, I mean really my life isn’t that bad. Parents who love me, a roof over my head, a computer to write this on, and yet I still find myself at the point of tears at times. Like I’m destined to be live a long life, alone, and miserable. Just going through the motions, hoping that one day I’ll find something worth living for.
I’m not really sure why I felt the need to write this, or even if I put this under the right category. If it seems like I’m seeking attention then I apologize, that isn’t my intent. I just felt like I had to write, if that makes sense. Pay no mind to it, I’m just babbling.
2 comments
Well, if you’re a good person then actually that’s a pretty damn good start. That’s the problem on this site. Good people are here wanting to die whilst douchebags have no such qualms and are happy to keep going and make other people’s life a misery…go figure. Don’t worry about your babble, I do it too. We’re entitled so go ahead 🙂
Well good isn’t exactly the term I’d use for myself. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and such, but you’re right. It’s like they say, nice guys finish last…or well nice people. It’s just easier to be in misery when a conscience is in play I suppose. hahah thank you though, I probably will continue to babble. It feels pretty nice getting stuff off my chest that I’ve kept to myself for far too long.