Few weeks ago I stumbled on this website while researching on how to commit suicide and different ways to do so. I was in a very dark place in my life where I felt like suicide was the way to go.
I have felt emotionally depressed over a year ago when my boyfriend at the time and I broke up. At the time, I felt like the whole world was crashing down. I started to fail dramatically in school by not attending classes and not paying attention. I never had good relationship with my family because I was always a disappointment to them (no I didn’t just assume that, they told me that repeatedly). I lost some of my close friends and I felt like everything was going down hill. One night after drinking a lot, I lost all my logics and senses, I walked out of the party and attempted to commit suicide. However, the boyfriend or ex or whatever he was at that moment went out to find me and carried my ass home and fought with all he had to stop me from doing so. As time went on we got back and things felt like it was going to be ok again.
However, this past two months had been so difficult on me. Everything I went through with family, friends, boyfriend from last year happened again and this time it was 10x worse. I felt worthless. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone. I know suicide is a selfish act, but I convinced myself that it is only a one time thing. One time and then people will get over me. I spent hours and days crying helplessly in my car and planning my death. I wanted to hang myself and I even went out to buy the rope and find the good place to do so. I wanted to drown myself, I went out to find a safest place and darkest without anyone to attempt to do so. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to die and that’s all I wanted. I have been feel so miserable and alone. So I stumbled on this website.
After spending days and weeks reading posts after posts, I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you to everyone on this website. Your comments have made me realized little by little about the value of living. Your posts have made me feel like I’m not alone because someone else out there is feeling the same way as me. Thank you to everyone here that saved me. I don’t want to die because I want to help others to get out of their problems too since I know how it feels, and I hope you will never be like me.
7 comments
Welcome to SP. You are definitely not alone. The way you found this site was exactly how I found it. We may have our individual challenges, but we all wound up here. I’m glad that you’ve realized the value of living. Sometimes the road to sunlight is rocky… but the sun often comes out. Thanks for your nice post.
Good to see someone make it 🙂
Btw, I hope you and your boyfriend can reconcile…he obviously cares about you. I believe that sometimes differences can be overcome. If you still love him I hope it works out for you.
To kontinkatink, we have been each other best friend since that incident last year. He has been a great help encouraging me to keep going in life, even after a break up. It’s great to have support from the close ones and people from this page.
He sounds like a good man…and so do you. I wish you the best 🙂
I don’t think I’m perfectly fine and great.. not at all. I still crumble and fall. But one step at a time.
Situation maybe different, but I can understand how you feel. I thought everything was going good with my gf then one day she says “I don’t want this anymore”. I asked her what I did wrong, she said nothing it was all her. I couldn’t/can’t stop my brain from running everything through my head. To show you how low my was I wrote the following on Christmas Day: I can’t believe any more that I will find someone to share my life with; What I can believe is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life; I believe the only way I will find Peace & Happiness is in my death & I don’t have any energy to try any more.
Also, I found Billy Joel’s song Tomorrow is Today & it still speaks to me to this day.
I hope everything works out for you.