I guess I’ve been depressed for years now.. And it’s rough. The worst of it is that most others don’t understand. “What’s wrong with you?” “You just have to be positive..” “I can’t handle you being sad all the time.” Lately the suicidal thoughts are occurring more often and seem to be sounding like very viable options, and I hate that. I woke up this morning and just cried. Mainly because I hate my job, my living arrangements, and my current economic standing. I hate that I am so ridiculously lonely all the time, yet consciously choose to be alone. I hate that I know what I’d enjoy doing with my life, or at least think I do, and make absolutely no attempts to make my dream a reality. It’s almost as if I want to be unhappy.
My story is nothing compared to some on here.. I have a good life on paper. Loving sister, great brother-in-law who happens to be one of my best friends, a job, a place to live, several talents.. And the worst part is that despite all of it, I am miserable. I’ll never be satisfied with anything or anyone for the plain and simple fact that I was cursed with despondency. I want to die, but I can’t do that to my family. I have obligations.
I smoked my first cigarette in a year yesterday. The one thing I had to be proud of, and I’ve ruined it. Go me. I wish I could just make things better. Just wake up one day and be filled with energy and positivity and lust for life, but that day has yet to come, and likely never will. I don’t know why I’m writing this, but thank you for reading. Strange feeling to post this anonymously online..
2 comments
Depression -is- rough… and it’s made even rougher when those around you don’t understand how you’re feeling. If the suicidal thoughts are frequently happening, you’re crying, and there is a lot of self-critique (job, home, finance, loneliness), it might be a good time to reach out and speak with someone. In other words, it seems like you’re becoming increasingly generally miserable… which won’t be your friend. I speak from my own experience. Beating myself up and isolating myself turned into my enemy and it made a dark period darker.
Depression doesn’t pick and choose. People with good families, challenging families, loved, unloved… Depression can affect everyone. I’m glad that you don’t want to die… and, at the same time, I don’t want you to feel like how you’re feeling everyday. Perhaps the cigarette smoking was due to stress… and was another outward sign of your internal struggle. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not the first person to smoke a cigarette after quitting. It happened, it’s in the past, you realize, and you’ll move forward.
Try to see what resources are available to help in that process. They could make things easier for you… and provide you some support.
I feel like you. Miserable for no real reason. Except I don’t know what I would enjoy for my life. For a job at least. I’ve tried too many things already. Ended up hating them all but stayed (1 for 9yrs. and another for 7- torturous times!) b/c we have no choice do we? So, I guess I have to get a new one soon. Like or not. I’ve been avoiding it for 2yrs. now.
As much as I always hated jobs though, I’ve only been suicidal for 2yrs. Part of it is the fear of going back that rat-race life & the part is feeling like an asshole for not contributing to my family. I am so fucking stuck. I should’ve bought that gun yesterday, when I had the chance. I don’t understand what stops me – it would be so easy. I think the answer to that is also a double edge sword….like you said, I shouldn’t do that to my family but then again, I’m dragging them down. My death would end the torment of worry I’m putting them through while wait to accept reality.