Happiness. A word. I feel it at times, I feel a lack of it at others. I’m not always sure which one defines the word. I have been feeling as though happiness is making me feel empty lately. Maybe this isn’t happiness then. But why do I long for the hopelessness I fought so hard to escape from? Perhaps I never truly escaped. Perhaps this is just a masquerade of emotions to trick myself into living to fight another day.
Do I know who I am? Does anyone? Am I anyone? These are real questions for me. I have four distinct versions of myself. Family, girlfriend, friends and alone. The easy answer is that alone me is the truth. I don’t want that. Alone me is depressive. It brings me back into this sadistic thought process of wishing for despair. I don’t cut myself anymore. I don’t often wish to either. I don’t go into autopilot mode where life is just a groggy blur of minutes fading into hours fading into days. I do often wish for that. It was easy. Being tired, being depressed, not caring. These things are easy to do. Being alert, intelligent, caring, funny, self-aware and healthy are not.
I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am. I don’t really know anything. All I know how to do is to wake up in the morning, put on a face, go to work and try to succeed. This isn’t enough for me right now. Something is missing. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I just need a vacation; maybe I need to refresh myself to have the energy to care for another few months. But is that really all life has to offer? I need to be better. I need to do something with my life that I can consider a success. I want to have something of my own that I can be proud of. An innovation, a calling, a family. I need something. Happiness.
2 comments
“I need to be better. I need to do something with my life that I can consider a success. I want to have something of my own that I can be proud of.”
Determine what that “something” is… and then make a plan to get there. Factor in what it till take to get there… time, money, resources, etc. Maybe ask others (or research online) who have done it before so you can learn what works (and what doesn’t work). Once you have the “something” and a plan, start working on it.
“Family, girlfriend, friends and alone.”
Add “work” to that and this phrase used to describe me. Some could probably add “school” to this. This phrase essentially boils down life to its simplest elements. There’s nothing wrong with having a piece of each element in life. You mentioned that your alone time is depressive. It doesn’t have to be. Sometimes you need a little personal space… to do a hobby or something else you enjoy.
“I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am. I don’t really know anything.”
Maybe a combination of researching what interests you and reaching out for help will assist you. There are various career assessments you can take online which will provide you some career fields that you might want to pursue. Reaching out for help, such as with a therapist, might help with narrowing down your life course and making the plan. It could also help with pushing through when you feel depressed.
There are answers to the points you made. Sometimes it takes a combination of your energy and the insight of others to get things going.
Eveybody is looking for happiness. And it sounds like your on the riht track. Having a jo and desireing to be sucessful and have a home or a buisness of your own. Those are positive goals.
Keeping busy with something positive is often what keeps peopele happy. If you have to much time on your hands to be alone and think then you can dwell upon past problems or dwell upon other negative things. Stay busy with work, friends, pursuit of success is a great thing to do. When you have free time. Maybe read some books that are positive and inspiring.
Stay away from mean people and people that drag you down