God loves a fool. That is the reason I am still here. It is not because I have strong survival skills. My parents was proud of having a strong baby girl overcoming autism.
Unfortunately, I am not. I think it is a mistake they made for having me. Somehow I think I am burden to them as well as to this world. I guess if it weren’t for me, the autistic kid, my sister and brother could have turned out well . I grew with the world centering around me . I spent my entire childhood visiting psychiatrist, trying all kinds of things to overcome it. I was bullied in school even sometimes at work. Nobody wanted me at school. I am fine with that.
Being bullied is a scary thing. It affected my whole life. Yes, I know I should let go of the past and look towards my future. It is easier said than done. My minds is filled with fear that bullying come back. I can’t do well cause the attention span is pre-occupied by your fears. The scarest part is that the fears always comes true everytime you think it is over.
I was idiot. I thought my bullying days were over. Well. Guess who turned out me my bully- my boyfriend. I had to leave him last year I was shaken and sad. One thing hits me really hard is that bullies knows who to strike. I realized I am indeed a perfect target for bullies or perhaps I turn people into bullies/
I started my masters to get over my boyfriend. It is another mistake of mine as usual. I thought I could do well and prove to him. AFter looking at my results last year, I guess I have hit the habit of overrestimating myself again. I thought I had this. The bullying thought sets in and consumes me completely llike it did in the past. I cannot concentrate. I guess this is why the masters is called Business analytics. It is trying to teach me. You predict the future based on your past. The past defines you. To put simply” History repeats itself”
I made another silly mistake of overrestimating myself again. Another silly mstake is fine. What makes things worse is that it will affect another student putting our friendship at risk. I took a final year project in clinical management system. I know why I did cause I had far-fetch dream that I wanted to be part of a medical team since I was kid. I am afraid to say that the dream is still growing strong. I am trying really really hard to KILL it. I am reaching my mid 30s. It is too late. Believe me. My tendency to overestimate myself always gets the better of me. It did again. As a result, I took up this project that is related to medicine. Now I have to pray that my university will reject this project to protect the other student, younger than me from getting affectted.
I should really really stop and accept the way I am built and let it go. Things are not going to change. The bullying willl never end. I shoud really stop myself from trying to do things I am not capable of. That means, I will have to stop overestimating myself and extinguish my determination for good. Then I can be free and leave this world and never come back.
I cannot do much. I bring the worst out of people. I should not be here. I don’t belong here.
2 comments
Sad to read your story, bullying is such a horrible, vile thing to happen, it does affect us long afterwards because it can shape who we become, I know from experience. I’m sorry you find things a struggle at the moment, have you spoken to the other student, got her thoughts on the situation. It can be good to push yourself to try and succeed, don’t blame yourself for doing that, I wish I’d been more ambitious in my life. You do seem to be strong in overcoming a lot in life but things seem to have, perhaps, overwhelmed you at present, I hope you can find a way forward.
Neverland,
You are not the problem – the people mistreating you are. And you were not wrong about furthering your education – it is a great way to not only help get over your troubles, but also set yourself up for a better life down the road.
You do not overestimate yourself – you are simply still dealing with some pain from the past which has affected your self-esteem. And I believe you can overcome that.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)