I miss my best friend

I messed up this summer. I fucked up my relationship with my best friend who I’ve secretly had feelings for for the past 5 or so years. Since grade school we were friends and in high school when I started to get really depressed she was the only person I could talk whom I felt didn’t judge me for it. She helped me a lot in some low points in my life when I was thinking about suicide. She’d always ask me how I was feeling and she’d listen to me rant about life without judgement. She lived kind of far away so I would usually only see her in the summer when I’d go to my trailer. Then my mom sold our trailer and I tried keeping in touch with this girl for a while. For a while we were still friends but that slowly changed when she and her boyfriend(who was another friend of mine) broke up. I kept comforting her throughout the breakup and after a few weeks she asked if I wanted to hook up with her, she said that it was just because she trusted me and was sexually frustrated at the time. I was pretty reluctant at first because I was afraid I’d start falling for her again since I’ve always had to push those feelings away because she didn’t want to be with me. I tried saying no but she kind of pressured me into doing it. We hung out and I was going to tell her I didn’t want to do anything but then she kissed me and it just felt so good I went with it. We only went a little further before I had to go. We said our good byes and I left, pondering how this was going to change our friendship. I left town for college shortly after this and we kept talking a lot but then she met a guy and we started talking less and less until he broke up with her. Then she was talking to me lots again, and honestly it felt great but I started to feel like a secondary friend to her. She started to only message me when she had a problem. I was always happy tostop what I was doing to try and help but I started getting really depressed again. One day I was contemplating suicide and she messaged me asking how I was doing and we got into a conversation about why I was unhappy. When the conversation started to get serious she told me she couldn’t think straight because of a fight she was just in with a friend so she’d message me later. This didn’t bother me too much until I asked her what the fight was about later since I hadn’t heard from her. She told me that the fight was with her friend because they had bought the same bathing suit and we friend refused to return hers. When I heard this, I was really mad. For the past year I would help her whenever she asked and the one time I reach out for help from her(which I barely did) and she couldn’t help because of a fucking bathing suit. I didn’t talk to her for about a month after this because I was still mad. Then one day she texts me like everything’s fine. I ended up saying that I was tired of our detiorating friendship, I just wanted her to care more about our friendship but she took it the wrong way and started getting really mad at me. She started to say really hurtful things. I really didn’t want to fight with her so I kept saying I wasn’t going to fight with her. I really didn’t want to hurt her so I held my tongue on a lot of issues I had with her. Then she started ridiculing everything I said to her. It really hurt to see how cruel she was with the stuff she said to me. The conversation ended with me telling her i didn’t want our friendship to end like that and that if probaly be dead within the year. She responded saying we didn’t have to be friends but to text or call her if I ever felt suicidal. I never answered her. About a month after this I hung out with my other friends from my trailer and I found out that she had been recently hooking up with one of them. This kind of shocked me because I could tell she was using as a hook up too. The night was great other then that but a couple days later I got some texts from her about why we weren’t friends anymore. She was incredibly angry because she had asked my friend what I said about why we were no longer friends and he said that I had just stopped talking to her(totally untrue, I never told them why I did it). She got really mad and said a bunch of hurtful shit to me again. A few months later I found myself still thinking about her so I texted her apologizing. I didn’t ask to be friends again but I just didn’t want her I hate me anymore and she just told me that it happened and that she regretted what she said but we need to move on from it. I never really spoke to her again since, wished her happy birthday but that was it. Why do I still find myself missing her? She was so cruel and mean that I shouldn’t care but somehow I still find myself wondering how she’s doing