Hi Everyone,
I guess you might say I’ve been ‘trolling’ on here now & then but more so lately. I’m not sure when I signed up but especially this weekend & I posted a few comments. Not very helpful ones, just the “I get it” kind.
Anyway, I guess it’s time I said hello & told my story. I’ll try not to get too detailed.
I am a 46 yr old, married mother of 2 boys 7 & 10. They are all great but I don’t know what I thought motherhood would be. For some reason (possibly the fairy tale we are led to believe in by society?) I expected it to be the ‘end all’ or ‘be all’. Well, it definitely isn’t. Not for me. Although, if I hadn’t been able to conceive, you dam well know I’d be miserable about that.
Maybe I am more selfish than I realized. Maybe it isn’t actually motherhood that’s the problem. Now that the kids are no longer toddlers, it feels like something else.
In my twenties, as a nanny, I couldn’t wait to get a real job & then my own family to be able to run my own household. Went to school for Accounting, loved it. Got an accounting job, hated it. Finally, at 32, I met a great guy & 3yrs. later I was gushing with joy at our pre-wedding events and the wedding of my dreams.
We bought a little house within months & the next plan was to get pregnant. Fast!
I was lucky again. I couldn’t wait to leave that job & start my childcare business at home with my new little bundle of joy.
Fast forward 5 yrs. & I have a 4.5 & 2 yr old & I fucking hate other peoples snotty brats that bite & get my kid so sick he ends up in the hospital. And don’t get me started on the parents who have no respect for the person who spends 10 hours a day (for pennies on the hour, mind you) & show up at the last minute to pick them up. Oh, and at this point, we are bursting out of our little house and my husband & I never go on dates or mountain bike riding or skiing or any of the fun stuff we did before.
This time, the light at the end of the tunnel is a new house. A house closer to civilization. A house we will add on to for my parents who will babysit when I go back to a regular job.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING????
I can’t keep up with this monster house! And, my mommy brain could not get thru one week of training for my new, stay-at-home customer service dream job.
That’s when I started to seriously consider suicide. For a full year I tried to figure out how to make it look like an accident so my family wouldn’t have to suffer with the stigma & so they could get the $500k in life insurance. (During this year, I did try a few meds & counselors.)
Then I found out the ins. co. would pay out on a suicide if the policy was more than 2 yrs. old. This info was handy when, last February, I panicked 5 days before I was to start another CS job. I’d rather die than go back to a rat race life so I bought a gun. I couldn’t find a private place to do the deed so I chickened out. Within 3 days, my husband, who, unbeknownst to me, was monitoring my credit card, saw the purchase, found my hiding spot & returned said weapon of personal destruction. (There was a whole hell of a lot more drama than that though, but I’m *trying* not to be too detailed.) Obviously, I didn’t get to try again to find a private little spot.
So, back to therapy & new meds – oh joy! They gave me terrible headaches & nausea. A few months later, this past 4th of July, I stormed out of my house frustrated with every day bullshit & the knowledge that there was a simple job available 5 minutes from my house that I just couldn’t complete the application for, even thought the guilt was eating me alive. I walked a mile or 2 & sat in the woods by an empty ball field while I took 22 or so each of Prozac & Vyvanse. Minutes after they were down, they all came back up. I thought I was being so smart by avoiding alcohol.
Recently I was sucked into an interview for an accounting job -blech!. Well, that put me over the edge. My birthday was yesterday. I didn’t plan to see today. Instead, I drove right by the gun shop. I thought the 3 rd time was the charm. WTF?
I need to stop dragging my family down. Emotionally & Financially. My death is freedom for all of us.
I will never be happy. As you can see, I’ve always looked for the next thing to make life better. But now I know that the grass isn’t greener and I can’t UNknow it. Working without time to enjoy life, not working without money or pride to enjoy anything. It sucks no matter how you slice it.
I realize that I have everything a girl could dream of & I love & appreciate my family but I don’t deserve them. It would be easier if they would stop being so fucking patient & just kick me to the curb already.
I can’t live, or die. This limbo is so lonely.
Thanks for reading.
15 comments
My advice its your choice to die if you want kill yourself if you want, I believe its your right to die if that’s what you want, if this is not what you want then don’t, the point is, unlike most people I don’t care which once pick,which is essential for anyone wanting to die.
Live
or
die your choice.
Oh, about that choice or free will……
That built in survival instinct kinda takes it away doesn’t it?
It is not easy to kill yourself.
All I care about is that your free will is being respected.
Thanks Raven. This perspective is a big part of my inner struggle. It is definitely something I feel strongly about too.
Sometimes, I will sadly admit, that the incentive to stay because of the influence it will have on my kids doesn’t hold strong in my mind because I honestly wouldn’t blame them if they wanted to go when they grow up. And I certainly wouldn’t guilt them into staying.
That’s not to say that I wouldn’t be crushed if they died. I truly hope they feel the opposite of me & have purpose, joy & motivation. But if they don’t? Why should anyone stick around suffering with misery?
As I have mentioned here, I feel terrible guilt for bringing them here. I am so angry with myself for not realizing how awful survival is.
I can see how overwhelmed and disappointed you are. I think you are a valuable human being and reading your story made me feel a connection with you. I honestly don’t have much in common with you except for the whole being a female and depressed thing but I admire you and I hope you don’t just give up. When I am on the verge of suicide I tell my self of how I would be making an impression on the youths in my life that I love, I would be giving them permission to commit suicide too. Depression runs in the family… I don’t want my niece to think that because her aunt killed herself that suicide is the solution to her problems. That’s just something I tell myself on the edge of a precipice.
Yes, I am afraid for my oldest. Actually, both of my boys. So I have that worry in the back of my mind too. I’m sure it’s what has kept me going this far.
But some days….. I wonder. It’s hard enough to convince them to eat healthy, put effort into homework, wear a fucking coat in the winter for god’s sake. So what will I possibly do to prevent them from suicide someday?
Idk, I go back and forth, round and round.
Seems pretty typical of the human condition, a lot of us pursue the things that we were lead to believe qualify as “happiness”, only to find out it doesn’t feel right. I generally don’t have a lot of sympathy for parents considering suicide (not that your actions require approval from a stranger online). Once someone has kids I feel like they don’t have the right to leave. It’s like convincing a reluctant friend to go to a party, and then ditching them and going back home. Your kids didn’t ask to be brought into this strange realm of misery, so for you to “leave them at the party” would be pretty unfair. As they grow up they may run into some of the same difficulties and confusing questions you have faced in life, and they would like to have their mom for support. It’s all fine and good to say that you feel you’re a drain, that they’d all be better off without you, but that’s putting words in their mouths and taking the choice away from them. Quite certain if you presented your children with the option that “certain aspects of your life might improve, be it financial or otherwise, if your mom walked over to the woods and put a bullet in her head, sound good?”, they aren’t going to say yes. That’s what’s sad about this world, that money and other nonsense starts to appear more important than family. Not to mention how your spouse might feel about that too, but even they take a back seat to the true priority, children.
I whole heartedly agree with you about the rat race, though. I let myself stop working for a while and now I feel like I’ll never be able to talk myself into rejoining the work force either, unless I can come up with something that I can do on my own. The rat race is such a disgusting form of existence. That’s why I’ll probably never have kids. I don’t understand how this is all supposed to work, bring souls into this world, pat them on the head and inform them that by the time they’re 18 they have better selected which form of slave labor they’d like to subject themselves to for 40+ hours/week until they die. Sure, you have the option not to work, if you want to live on the street and starve. Leaving the rat race provides a fresh perspective on how horrible it all is, once you have the time to look at it from the outside, and it’s not easy to want to participate in it again. So now I’m a drain on my family too. But not married, no kids, nobody I feel responsible to.
Anyways, if this sounds negative or condescending, I didn’t mean it to. I just meant to try to think of your kids. You may think you know that they’d be better off, but I’m pretty sure they’d disagree with you about that. Give them a vote before deciding what you think is best for them, (although there’s no real way to go about that, as it would be highly disturbing to ask your own children how they’d feel about you killing yourself). I would be pissed if either of my parents decided to take themselves out of this world after choosing to bring me into it. Stick around until they’re 18 or so at least. If you’re troubled at the thought that you are burdening your family, you should be equally thinking of what a burden it will be to on the rest of them to pack your bags and decide that you’re ready to check out of this world, and then your spouse gets to figure out how to handle a 7 and 10 year old alone. No amount of money that they might get from insurance is going to put them on easy-street once you’re gone.
Forgot to mention I experienced the same thing work-wise, went to school for my chosen profession: loved it, got out into the actual work force: hated it. That was a really jarring experience for me. I feel for the “do something you enjoy and it’ll never feel like a job” logic and ended up finding myself in a nightmare.
Actually, you made very valid points, things I have considered over & over (even the ridiculous one – wishing I could just ask them, how crazy can a person be), and you did it without sounding negative or condescending. I don’t know how, but you did.
About the “leaving them at the party” thing…. I agree with you. I have been so very angry about this. Why didn’t I know I would be so miserable? Why didn’t I know that life sucked no matter what?
I have thought plenty about how no one asks to be born too. I wish my 18yo mother had had an abortion & I feel guilty that I brought my kids into this awful world. I don’t want them to suffer through survival.
I have a very hard time encouraging them through their issues with friends and school etc. I mean, I do it but it feels like a lie.
I feel like I was tricked into my life so I desperately want to tell them the truth about life. But how? You can’t. It’s the perfect fucking set up for the puppet master to have endless toys to manipulate.
So how old are you? How did you *know* it was all a farce?
I can sympathize with you. Death seems like a very viable option. But if I may lay a bit of my trademark hypocritical advice on you… Maybe you’re looking at this all the wrong way. And I don’t mean the obvious “you have children and a husband and so much to live for..” Jibber jabber.. I’ve been on the receiving end of that advice and it seems to only make me feel worse. No, I think you should look at it in a different manner altogether. Jobs suck, yes. I promise I know that bit all too well. But it’s only a job. You do things for others and they pay you. With money. Sure, money makes the world go round. Can’t even get to that shit job without it. How wonderful. My point is, it’s just money. But you do have to have it while you’re here, so.. May as well do something meaningful to earn it. Right? We all have something that drives us, deep down. Find out what your passion is and figure out how to do that for money. The obvious example being someone who wants to heal people becoming a doctor. I want to be a writer, so my work can provide an escape for people like us who are miserable. What’s yours?
Haha! “hypocritical advise” I love it!
Anywho……
I’ve been thinking about death for just over 2 years now. It’s mostly non-stop. And when I consider how rotten it would be to leave my family at this party that I dragged them to, I shut the thoughts down with reading & TV (my only free {well, not exactly} entertainment/distractions.
After a few days, I begin to feel like a lazy asshat & start to look for a job.
Sometimes I find things that seem to fit my criteria well enough & sometimes I get through the application process, go to an interview or, once, actually get hired before I panic. Sometimes I take so much time building up the nerve to apply that I miss the boat. More often than not though, I talk myself out of less than desirable situations before applying.
I can get through a range of 2-6 weeks of this and then I’m back to planning my way out.
Repeat cycle. My family can’t keep going through this shit.
I have spent some time searching motivational sites. Bottom line: You need something to reach for. A goal. A dream. A passion.
I know this but I can’t figure it out to save my life (no pun intended).
I used to love to ski. Not only is it outrageously expensive, it’s not what it used to be because my vision is deteriorating due to Retinitis Pigmentosa, a progressive disease without a cure – so no money making ops there.
I love to read – haven’t seen a job for that ever before. Although, I thought I’d love to record audio books until I started listening to them and realized how unqualified I am for such an art – it’s amazing how talented these people are!).
Writing. I think I hold my here but I’ll tell you at the end how long it took me to write this comment. Guaranteed, I’d be working for pennies an hour.
Technology. I LOVE figuring out software, apps, the cable system, cell phones, tablets etc. & then teaching people how to use them for all the benefits they might desire. This kind of “job”, 1.) requires certain certifications that I don’t have 2.) It’s one of those thankless jobs that is fun in theory but horrible in practice (I dabbled a bit in user support & network admin while at my accounting job) 3.) It’s also a thing that takes me forever, since my ADD sends me in directions I need not go or my OCD keeps me stuck trying to find solutions to things I need to move on from.
I truly believed that my aptitude for technology would lead me to great success as a Customer Service Rep. for cell phone or cable co. NOPE. You have to be able to navigate multiple screens for answers to questions, without getting lost – there are metrics to meet, all while making small talk with the customer and don’t DARE ask them to repeat anything. God forbid if you forget their name – they won’t feel like a ‘truly valued’ customer. CSR was not for me to say the least.
I could go on forever about child care and accounting, the 2 things I have experience in, but I will simplify and just say: been there, done that.
Ok, so something new? hmmmmm…..not if it requires education. We can’t afford it & it’s too much a gamble. I learned my lesson with accounting.
I have all kinds of anxiety (tried many meds-they either don’t work or don’t work AND make me sick) that holds me back from simple things like Walmart for example. Plus, all retail jobs require nights & weekends. 1.) I cant drive at night due to RP 2.) those hours defeat the purpose of being a mom.
Anxiety about driving, about getting out the door every. fucking. god damned. day. About eating healthy, squeezing in time for exercise. About losing to control with the kids school shit. I see a full time job as a balancing act as successful as the Cat in the Hat on his ball.
So, I’ve focused my search for something Part-time at home. My latest pipe-dream, just last week was transcribing audio files. I got a standard keyboard knowing my laptop wouldn’t cut it & began practicing for the test. I didn’t get past TWO sentences of 2.5 minutes of audio after an hour and half. This was just one more giant let down in a string of them.
So here I am wishing a plane would crash into the house while the kids are at school & daddy is at work.
Thank you for trying to help. I am sorry that I sound like I’m being purposefully impossible. I know I sound like a child that insists he’ll never be able to tie his shoes or ride a two-wheeled bike. The difference is (albeit pathetic) that I am not a child. I have been struggling for 45, oops, 46 years & I don’t see the point any more. Except that I *have* to. I have no desire to get to old age. All my dreams are gone. They’ve proven to be just that, dreams.
How the hell am I supposed to find motivation now? It just isn’t there.
Time: 1hr. 44min. (I want to go back and edit one more time but I will resist the temptation)
Thanks again. I do appreciate your input.
You can’t kill yourself you brought 2 lives into this world, so you should have no choice but to stay as they had no choice to be here. This will affect your children for the rest of their lives. They might not find out now how you died but in the end they are going to know it was suicide and ultimately blame themselves and make fucked up choices in life about it. Would it be okay for your sons to kill themselves in the future??? What if daddy can’t cope with the loss and look after the children their fucked you might aswell bury them with you.
Sorry you sound like a good person but its selfish as hell to bring kids into this world and leave them.
Do you have any MUM friends? Maybe you need to start a coffee group for mums only no kids. You need s break away sometimes. Why not get back to going on holiday at least once a
Month with your husband without the kids, just take some time out for you.
Sorry just get passionut when parents of young children want to kill themselves but dammit please try living you made it this far your 46 you ain’t got that long to go of natural causes and who knows god might even grant you the miracle of cancer. Suicide is just wrong for any parent.
I agree. I really do. I was just as passionate as you regarding this subject. I NEVER thought in a million years I’d be here now.
Actually, while I was planning my wedding, I told my depressed bf that “happiness was a choice”. I cant’ believe I’m here at all. It’s a nightmare.
Unfortunately, while limited in the emotional caring a bit, my husband is fucking amazing! He kicks ass in getting shit done & could manage the boys & house just fine. He already does most of it now. All he needs is a gf & a housekeeper to be all set. It almost feels like an enabled situation, like if he was an asshat I’d really be forced to buck up & trudge on. He deserves so much more than I can give.
Yes, I’ve tried hanging out with mom friends. But as you can see, I’m too negative to be around people. I’ve confided a little in a couple but even that was TMI (evidenced by the odd looks I was given). So I don’t bother anymore since I can’t speak my mind.
Fun with my husband? Ha! we’re in debt because of me! No money, no self-esteem, self-worth, zero motivation……hardly a recipe for fun.
BTW, apologies are not required. I posted my story. It’s par for the course.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Oh, the gift of cancer or accident or wrong place, wrong time murder…..I guess I do still dream
I think personally you should do what you to do, having two kids i couldn’t possible know whats that is like,but I do know from my own experience as a child that having dad around who doesn’t really care, and had to may problems of his own to have children really, that is would have been better not to have been born, that’s just me, I in no way shape or form want you to end existence on earth But!, given the choice I would say go with what your heart tell you, if you heart tell that to end your life you right to kill self if you want and shouldn’t people manipulate decision, if that’s not what you want then for heaven sake don’t do it,I really don’t want to see another good person die,I don’t want you to kill yourself, the point you the free will decide what you I encourage both decisions, there giving you a real choice not a fake manipulated one,bottom line don’t let people manipulate you.
No one is manipulating me. And I am not asking for permission to die. I only posed a slightly rhetorical question. Why is it so hard to live or to die? And I also wanted to express my desire for one or the other & how stuck I feel in limbo.
Of course my family says they love me, need me & want me to be happy & will do what they can to keep me from offing myself. I mean, what family member can actually say, “oh, you’re off to shoot yourself now? ok. (hugs, kisses) I’ll miss you.”? So, no, they are not manipulating me. Nor could you say that they are disrespecting my free will.
It’s only my own mind that’s manipulating me. I can’t find purpose and feel miserable but I can’t do the deed either (self preservation, ya know?).
And unlike your dad, I do love and support my boys, fully. But they are exposed to too much of my negativity even though I pretend to be happy as much as possible. Sometimes I just can’t pretend & spend a day or two in my room, avoiding everyone for all the guilt I feel. Because I should be happy right? I ended up with more than I dreamed of. I have explained to my kids that it’s not them that I avoid, that I just don’t want them around all my sadness. But, still, these respites of mine can’t be good for them.
How much longer can we endure this? I feel like I need to get happy or die quick. Shit or get off the pot. But the loop just keeps repeating itself. Fuck me!!
Sorry Raven.
Thanks again for your concern about my free will.
I hope you understand more & don’t worry about me.
It’s not worth it.