I’ve been unhappy since I can remember. Sometimes I forget, that I’m unhappy in certain situations, but it never lasts longs and I quickly get back to my normal state of depression. It’s really hard for me to find thinks that I find enjoyable enough to make an effort to experience them.
I have always wondered what was wrong with me. I studied some psychology and read a lot of self-help books. I made some progress, but I never understood why, despite my seemingly great live, I felt so worthless. Yesterday I stumbled upon the TED talks by Brene Brown and I finally realized what my problem is: I’m ashamed. I’m think I’m a bad person and if I would show my true self people would hate me. So I put up a happy front I know people will like. The problem with that is, that I don’t like anyone and spending time with people is a waste of time since I’m not really there. Knowing what the problem is hasn’t made it better though. I always feel alone, even if I’m with people.
I know I need help but I’m too ashamed to ask. Maybe if I had been beaten as a child or molested I could ask. But my life is good. I have no reason to be unhappy. And that makes me feel even worse. If I would ask for help I would get laughed at. I feel that to show, that I really need help I would have to kill myself; but then it would be a little late…
I know a few ways that make me feel better: eating (but that also makes me fat and feel worse consequently), being outside among people, having sex. I have a girlfriend, but she only sleeps with me very sporadically and I can’t get myself to break up with here because only a bad person leaves someone and I want to be good.
I have been thinking about killing myself a lot and I have done a lot of research on methods. I bought a rope recently and I’ve gotten very tired of live. I want it to end, so I stopped doing the things I mentioned above. I’m waiting to feel bad enough, that I can do it.
On the other hand I don’t really want to die. I want to be happy. But I don’t think that’s an option for me. I’m 26 now and things have only gotten worse, never better.
8 comments
I recognize the feeling. Fortunately for you, you’re young. 26 is very young. You can still turn your life around and be happier, help others who need to know that there’s a way out. I’m 42. I am very close to giving up completely. I’m sticking around for two people I love, but there are days when I feel like I won’t survive. It may be too late for me. Not you. You can still do so much. Youth has its appeal when it comes to living because there’s more life to be lived and there are many alternatives to suicide. It’s hard to talk about wanting to die to people who think you’re using it as an excuse or simply emotionally blackmailing them, that’s why I decided to come to this place. I wish you the best because I believe there’s hope for you.
Unfortunately I’m not so sure that being young is a good thing. Another 60 or 70 years of this is really not what I want.
But even with 42 it’s not too late for anything. It’s barely half of your expected life. So you can still do a lot with you life. I hope you can find something to live for and enjoy some of it. I don’t know you situation but I wish you the best of luck. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It means a lot.
Held,
DeadInsideAnna is right: 26 is young and plenty of time to turn things around. I realize things are confusing at the moment, but I would suggest trying to find out what the root of your shame is, if you believe that is what the problem is. Why do you feel you are a bad person?
As for your relationship the idea that “only a bad person leaves someone” is completely wrong. Sometimes relationships simply aren’t working out (for a variety of reasons) and ending one that you feel isn’t a good fit is not wrong at all.
In any event, your situation sounds like something that can be figured out. I definitely wouldn’t take the suicide route anytime soon.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Rationally I know that sometimes the best think you can do for someone is break up with them. My ex girlfriend told me that she is glad I broke up with her, even though it hurt her a lot at that time. The difference is that she accepted it when I told her I didn’t want to be with her.
I broke up with my current girlfriend about three times but always listened to her promises that everything would be better.
I think I know what I would have to do to get better. I just can’t get myself to do it. I feel like I’m watching a horror movie yelling at the screen “Don’t go outside!”. It doesn’t make a difference.
Thank you for taking the time to write me. I appreciate it.
4 years though & it’s GAME OVER!! (who wants to be 30?)
Unless I do something about it I will turn 30 if I want to or not. The question is just what to do…
Oh yeah i forgot to mention i love watching/listening to TED talks they’re AWESOME!!!!!!!!
Maybe you’re really not a bad person anyway.