ive gotta be fucked in the head

So this will be a first for me I come from a family run by my father and he’s to type to not seek help for shit and my mother wouldn’t cross him so I’ve always felt keeping everything bottled up is better I have a feelin this will get long so to anyone that wants the short before hand it basically goes im 27 male been depressed for to many years to count now never been on meds or seening someone about it or even really talked about it before in my earlier years have made 3 different attempt on my life along with a history of cutting all which never gave me the result I wanted (death) just some scars and a story or 2 also a former alcoholic used to try and drink everything away till I started getting liver problems in which had to find something else to quite the brain and numb it out so turned to drugs instead yea I know great idea ur thinking but seemed wonderful at the time and I’m not talkin ur normal smoking weed or takin aderal or xanex kind stuff I jumped right into pain killers a wonderful dicorvery I had after a near death car accident I was in and im not makin that up like talked to one of the responders that showed up that night and they looked at me assumed I was dead and went an checked on my buddies then after that when doin what they do to deal with a dead body dicovered that hey this guy still alive crazy huh so yea that was my gateway to pain killers which the hospital gave me but after I got outta there and ran out then found out how to get em off the street oh did I mention that stuff is highly addictive so sure enough buying more and more till they start getting hard to find but I still need my fix cause I’ve got these crazy aches and pains and I’m hot but cold at the same and so scatter brained idk how to control myself what now oh my buddy has heroin and he says its like the same thing eh sure ill try it wow that fucks u up pretty good and its cheaper and It don’t take much to fuck me up to the point im no longer in my head anymore ok ill just do that now another bad idea of mine so 2years into that habit and its not so great oh did I mention im married as well no kids though don’t wanna deal that now but its an empty marriage I should have never gotten into because there is no love involved its with an old freind whom I got along well with but would have never had any interest in dating cause even though she is a nice person im still a shallow ass and she is overwieght and I have no interest in that there is no physical atraction on my part but she does have some to me which makes it even harder to deal with and the whole thing started with a promise she made which I think now was empty and never planned on fulfilling so now I have all this shit and then some on top of the depression I have been living with for years so everyday the ideas of just ending it continue fill my head and sound better and better as days pass but I still can’t quite get myself to the point of doing it maybe ill get and will soon enough but who knows