Every day is the same… wake up, put on the mask that hides how I feel, how I’ve always felt, and then get on with another shitty day until i get back into bed that night and can take it off.
I’m so used to being depressed now and from such a young age that if i suddenly and miraculously stopped I’m not quite sure it’d feel right. Nobody has ever known how i feel, never told any friends, nor family and definitely not a doctor. I’d never want anyone to know but the funny thing is at the same time i’ve always wished someone would care enough to notice but what are the odds of that happening. I’ve gotten so good at wearing the mask that hides it all that nobody could notice.
I want to die and not at the same time and i despise this feeling because there are some things and certain times in life that i do enjoy and make me feel good but then the rest of life comes back like a freight train and makes me question why i even hang around for it (pun not intended).
Every day that rolls by now i get closer to it and the knife, the razor blades, the pills and alcohol… it all looks better and better to me, maybe someday soon i’ll find the courage for it… hopefully. Im just fed up with life and feeling like this, im sick of wearing the fucking mask just so nobody has to deal with me or go through the stresses of knowing, my life is based entirely on trying to keep other people happy and its ruined mine. 22 years on this planet and almost half of that spent in spiraling depression… when will it end..
3 comments
AnguishedSoul,
I “wore the mask” myself from my teenage years until adulthood before I opened up and told everyone around me about my depression and suicidal feelings. Obviously, I can’t say for sure whether or not doing so would help you, but I know sharing who I really was lifted some weight off of my shoulders and made things easier.
You mentioned that your life is based entirely on making other people happy. Being considerate is fine, but I can speak from personal experience when I say that making others’ happiness the point of your existence will almost certainly leave you unfulfilled and unhappy. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first. Best wishes to you.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
I am sorry hear what you are going through, and I can relate. But instead of using you mind to think about ways to harm yourself. Why not use your mind and try to come up with solutions to this issue. Why is it that you are so unhappy? If its people in your life that are mistreating you then get way from them. If you are unhappy in you Job then why not make plans to find a better and more fulfilling career path. If you live in a small town with unhappy people why not think about moving to new place where you can get fresh start and a whole new environment to explore with new opportunities. Also do some soul searching and try to find something to believe in. For me Jesus brings me hope and forgiveness and guidelines for my life that keep me out of trouble. Try reading some self help books. Try to find a mentor or a counselor you can talk to about how yoou feel and you can get some help. You can pull out of this.
You just have to take steps > little steps to find happiness and peace in your life. If you have things you like to try then try to find way to try them. Music, art, poetry, writing, traveling and all kinds of other things help people find peace and a way to vent. Creativity is a healing agent for lot of people and traveling can do the soul some good.
Just putting some things out there to try and help you
Good luck
I wear the mask every day too. It’s almost like every knows a slightly different me. Nobody knows the true me. And I have tried to be myself and, in ways, I am.. but if I were to openly just talk and spill my thoughts and feelings as they are happening without going through an ‘Acceptable Words Filter’ I would verbally assault anyone that comes near and they would have me thrown in a mental institution faster than you could spell NutCase…I am 22 years too and have been hiding all my life. Hiding the real me out of fear of ostracization and judgement. At any given moment I am pondering something that is likely way out of the realm of “normal” and given entry into my thoughts would surely drive someone a little insane. When you feel something so long it becomes a state of being. This long term depression and emotionally detachment and all around morbid way of thinking that I have lived for 8, 9, 10 years now is not just a shitty mood or a phase anymore, it is me. As you said if one day I woke up and wasn’t depressed, I am not sure how I would feel because it would not be me. I envy the naive, that can wake up every day and live their life and be happy without thoughts of death plaguing and tainting their every thought like a disease. I grow weary of waking every day and only existing. I don’t want to be here. In this moment. In this house. Around these people. In this state. In this country. On this planet. I don’t want to be. And I just am. I don’t do anything. I don’t talk to anyone. I sit alone in my room 24/7. I don’t want to leave my bed. I don’t want to do anything. You choose to give things significance. Bottom line we are insignificant in the big picture. Nothing has meaning so I don’t care to waste my breath or energy. No true deep mental, emotional or physical connection to any other living person. And I do not have the strength to let my wall down and let someone in again only to be crushed when we have drastically opposing views, although sometimes I wish someone would try to climb over and join my lonely little party. I am not “normal” and I don’t fit in with “normal” people without serious effort on my part. Like I said about my Acceptable Words Filter, well I have a filter for everything. And all those ‘normal’ filters require a lot of mental effort and strain from the moment I wake and am obliged to ‘function’ until I can sleep again. I am tired. And it takes energy to care. And it hurts to care. And I do not want to hurt anymore. If I am going to hurt anymore I may as well take the pain of dying, just get it over with and never hurt again…