Sometimes I wonder what the point of all of this is? When those thoughts start running through my mind I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if I ended it all. However, I don’t want to hurt the small amount of people that actually care about me which is why I haven’t and probably wont ever do it. It’s still depressing to have all of these thoughts. I really wish I didn’t. On some level I feel guilty and I feel like maybe I’m taking everything for granted. Compared to others my life is pretty normal I suppose. At least now it is. This year has blessed me with a lot of great opportunities yet I can’t seem to get over little things from my past that still seem to plague me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Whatever the point of this is I feel like I deserve the right to be happy. So why can’t I? ……I don’t understand why I can’t. Sometimes I feel so alone because of it. I feel like it affects my relationship with my significant other. Sometimes he’ll tell me “why cant you just be happy?” I never know what to say to that because I don’t even know the answer to that question. I think him telling me that makes me feel even worse because its not like i want this. I want to be able to be happy but I for some reason just can’t. I don’t think he really understands how bad I feel or how severe my feelings towards everything actually are. On some level I wish he did but on another level I’m ashamed to admit how bad I really feel. In reality it all goes back to me feeling like I’m taking things for granted. I try to tell myself that others have had it worse than me and that’s why i shouldn’t feel this way. I try my hardest to suppress it and put on that big smile that everyone is used to seeing but in reality I’m a very lonely person no matter how easy it is for me to be well liked. I just don’t feel like I have anyone close. The only person I could possibly think of as close is probably my bf and even then I don’t feel like I make him happy.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
6 comments
Damn. it’s awful. I feel like this too. I wish I had words of encouragement besides you are not alone. Therapy and meds have helped lots of people, that’s a first step.
Good Luck!
ok
Sometimes you can’t put a finger on why you feel down, feel depressed, only it always seems to be there in the background, even when things are going okay, it’s there waiting. “Why can’t you just be happy?”, well if you are suffering from depression then it’s not easy, even if you want to change, it’s hard to do. All I can recommend is that you see the doctor to get his opinion, depression can be treated through therapy, etc. I, myself, am ready to try medication after a long period of depression; you may not need medication yourself, or feel it’s not right for you, although it can still remain an option, but therapy can be a start.
I don’t know how to bring myself to seek help.
It will always be hard to seek help, for me it was, It was sometime until I had enough courage to speak to my doctor, even then I sat talking about depression in a roundabout way until I blurted it all out, that I was suffering. He then sent me into therapy, finding someone who knows about depression will be a revelation to you, they know what we go through, that it takes time and a lot of understanding to get better. Your posts shows how much you want to improve, for yourself and your son, depression makes it hard, it can rob you of any hope, but you can beat it, tell yourself you can.
Google: “counseling near me” or go to your Primary Care Dr.