Hi everyone, English is not my mother tongue so sorry if I make mistakes.. I come from a country where we don’t talk about suicide. I found this website by writing “helium suicide” and I started reading all of these sad stories. I decided to write mine I don’t know why but it feels like I need to.
My childhood was horrible. My father was an alcoholic and when he drank, he did all the terrible things that a father can do to his children and wife (no details…). I started thinking about suicide when I was about 13 and I tried to commit suicide at 15 (sleeping pills). Since then, I never stop thinking about kill myself (today I’m 23).
However, two years ago I met my boyfriend. He built a house for us and asked me to marry him. I thought I’ve found the true love, the one who saves from all this pain. But even when I was with him I feel lonely as I don’t let myself be just happy. Then, for unknown reasons, I began to cry for nothing, to be jealous, to scream and throw things all over the room. I was angry because of everything he did. We fight about things that didn’t matter, once a week first, at the end everyday. A few months later, it was so unbearable that I decided to leave home.
I had a home, a man who loves me so much, I was engaged .. He promised me to offer everything that I want and I just waste it… I destroyed the best thing that happened to me. I hate my father he spoilt my life. And I hate myself for what I’ve become.
Today, I feel sick and so lonely. My sister and my brother are here for me, I go out, hanging out with friends, try to find a way to go through but I feel like I will never be happy because I have so much troubles in me. I can’t live with my past. I wish I could be another person or wish to be never born.
I would like to end my life but the worse is that I’m so wick that I can’t. I am dying inside.
I am so wick. It’s so hard to live.
4 comments
I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from an anonymous stranger on the internet, but I’m sorry for all of the things you’ve gone through. I understand coming from a place where suicide is hush-hush, as it is also like that in my culture. However, have you ever considered speaking with a professional about your emotional state? I know that therapy might be incredibly discouraged where you live, but surely there are still therapists? They might be able to help you talk through your emotions, your past, and figure out some way to help you move past it all. It might be better than not knowing why you behave the way you do? If that makes sense.
In any case, good luck. With whichever path you choose.
I spoke to several professionals and that didn’t help me. I tried hypnosis to get away my ghosts from the past but no results. Each time I try to make things right, to believe there’s a place for me on earth, something happens and I lose hope. I’m afraid of living and afraid of dying.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you then. I wish there was more I could say. As for a place where you belong, if that is what you mean, here is a site full of people who have felt similar despair as you. Perhaps even talking to kindred spirits could help you a little bit?
but we all get mad in life, we all do mistakes, but we should have the courage to convince & make everything perfect again.
if you still love him, you must bear his habits.
good luck.