From the looks, I appear to be a runner forever running away from my problems. Nobody understood why I run and where I am running from.
I am actually running away from my goals, dreams and interests. It is a pain having them. Being autistic, these dreams, no matter how unrealistic they are, attack you everyday, Everyday you are reminded of the fact that it is not your interest, goals, dreams that matters. What matters is whether I am good enough to achieve those dreams.
I have fought many years. The Christians say that God has a better plan for me. That is the reason why my goals, dreams never worked out.
I have a friend who has a motto “min effort maximum return” which apparently is not applicable for me. I have “max efforts and no returns” . I tried to keep a positive attitude. Enjoy the process and leave the rest to God. Perhaps, I have aged. My expectations has changed. That is why I demanding some returns. Unfortunately returns eludes me. I end up messing up everything.
I am really tired of trying. I am beginning to think that God made a mistake creating me.
If I don’t kill my dreams,goals etc, they are going to kill me for the simple reason. I am simply not good enough. I just want to sleep. sleep and slowly sleep into non-existence.
3 comments
Well it is true that it is not always as easy to make dreams happen as it is to think about them.
Me I have lived some of my dreams and fallen short on some of them.
But if there is something I really want to do but dont have the means to accomplish it.
then I will find another goal that is similar and obtainable for me.
Like lets say my childhood dream was to become a brain surgeon. But I tried med school a couple years and found out I really am not cut out to become a brain surgeon. Well then I might change a little bit in reason and say. Well, maybe I am not cut out to be the brain surgeon I wanted to be but I still can help people in the medical field then I might go for a simpler job in the medical field. Like maybe to become an X-ray Technician or somebody who runs some kinds of tests they do in the medical field. So its like Well I aimed high. and tried. But if what I really wanted didnt work out then you can still do something with your life that is fufilling.
So maybe you need to adjust your dreams a little bit. and find something to aim for that you are capable of doing.
in life sometimes you need to make adjustments to your goals
Like like the Rolling Stones song says. ‘You cant always get what you want’
Step1 there is no god. step 2 take responsibility. step3 baby steps
My life exactly likes you, i also tried and tried so hard, but nothing returns. Now, i’m sick of trying,sick of this life. Every morning i wake up and as myself “what should i do now”. You ‘re right , i also was thinking “if i dont give up on my dreams, sonner or later, my dream is gonna kill me, just because the reason i’m not good enough”. “What am i supposed to do now?”, that question stucks in my head day by day, i try to get out and let it go, but i cant, i just cant. I wish i could sleep and never wake up again. 🙁