I am so full of hate…despair…anger…hopelessness…desperation…that I feel as though I would explode. and I usually do…and like a black hole’s singularity, I collapse up on my emotions. there I’m lost in the silence that follows the chaos I’m surrounded with,
I’ve longed for death since I was a boy of 10. I don’t know how or why it started, but the darkness in me out grew me. the depression engulfed me. the sadness drowned me.
and in my few sane episodes, I boil with the anger that pushes me to madness. in those moments of my own version of sanity, I look to the world for hope, light…but I’m met with war, hunger, corruption, lies…then I wish to destroy all life, all existence eradicated. every trace of humanity vaporized from the universe. then I wake from my rage to realise that I’m no one, a nobody, a worthless dog…why should the world pay for my shortcomings? why should a single person have to die for my blood lust? why is my life worth more than a fly’s?
after I tire myself out, I plan my elaborate suicide.
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I can understand why many depressed people express their internal dissensions (which are a product of physical variables) as anger. When you’re pushed to the brink of hopelessness, through the deprivation of basic human needs you need someone to hold accountable for that. Some get angry at themselves and blame themselves, others turn their anger on the ambiguous, nonexistent entity that they define as “the world”. No one is going to die of your “blood lust” unless you allow it to, NOTHING controls you, you are in complete control of your actions, regardless of mental state. Yes, even schizophrenic people must be held accountable for their actions. (I disagree that mentally ill people should be given less harsher sentences for crimes in the judicial world) if anyone dies, that is entirely your doing. If you do not want anyone to die, the simple answer is to not kill anyone.
Angelus, it is entirely possible that your fury is NOT wrong. Even though we’re trained from birth to believe that life is good and that humanity is progressing toward a positive end, it’s entirely possible that these notions are self-serving lies. And, in fact, the rage you feel is simply truth asserting itself. If you do stumble on a way to obliterate humankind from the universe, I for one wouldn’t stop you. What better way of giving each one of us what we all crave and deserve: peace?
People always seem to have inside/outside confusions when it comes to murder/suicide ideation. Do you want to kill yourself, or the entire human race? Frankly, if you don’t know the entire human race intimately, you can’t know whether the entire human race deserves to die. You can look at the particular (on a person-to-person basis), and your own personal estimation might be yes they do, or no they don’t, but generalizations about particulars tend to fall flat when held up to the reality of the particular you’re looking at. And it works that way because the thing you’re estimating in your thinking, is something that only exists in your thinking. It’s part of you. It’s your internal vision of what/who someone is, informed and influenced by your emotional state, which biases what reasoning you’re applying to it. You could say that you see yourself reflected back from the macrocosm of the human race, but your perspective of yourself, even, is influenced heavily by how you feel in that moment. The question behind all this is, what makes you feel that way?
…thank you for your perspective in reply to what I wrote. I don’t believe a person can be summed up by a book let alone 186 words. what I wrote was true and personal, but also highly incomplete.
though I believe what I wrote (about…wiping the human race from the face of the earth) I would not do it;
a, lets face it I’m not going to go around killing people as I see them
b, people have the right to be alive,…I thought I had more reasons…no matter, the truth is I’m a socialist at heart and in action too, even though I confessed that I was riddled with all the emotions day and night, I confess I have moments of “peace” as I call it. where my judgments are not clouded and my decisions informed. I do not claim to have an excuse. and I don’t believe you can find a good enough one to explain killing everyone. visa vi EVERYONE should and must be held accountable for the loss of a single life, including their own, no matter how insignificant it might be for society as a whole.
the only way I’d ever kill is if I was presented with, lets just say two buttons; one (red one) saying “destroy humanity”, the other (blue) saying commit suicide…I would press both.
right now, I’m just faced with one blue option.
for as long as I stay alive I wish to write on this blog for reasons I do not understand yet.
I’m not trying to be critical of how you feel – I can empathize completely. I’ve just given a lot of thought to the subject. I’m just saying – you are everyone else, and everyone else is you. That’s the why for the polarity between wanting to kill everyone, and wanting to kill yourself – it’s like a pendulum, but the pendulum is always attached to the same object. Can it be slowed, or stopped, or made to swing in a different direction? Can it be attached to a different object? I’d say it can, but you have to break out of thinking there are only two options to a given problem. Socialism is dialectical, and dialectical thinking is all about looking at things outside the box, then changing the box entirely.
I do believe it’s possible to condemn an entire body without being intimate with each particle. Take cancer for instance. Cancer causes suffering and pain to its host and seems to exist for no other purpose than destroying said host, at which time the cancer itself dies. So by these observations it can be fair to say that the cancer must be destroyed to spare the host. Do we evaluate each individual cancer cell? No, because by its very nature and association with its collective, each cancer cell is complicit.
Why are humans incapable of recognizing that the human race on earth fits the exact same description as that of a cancer within a host? Humans consume earth. It is not a symbiotic relationship; we are eating earth and all other lifeforms on earth. When we have eaten earth and its lifeforms to the point that we can no longer sustain our appetites, we will have destroyed our host and ourselves.
I have no doubt that an advanced intelligence observing our planet from afar would come to the conclusion that homo sapiens is a cancer and must be destroyed. No sane human would agree with me. But I guess that’s why I’m labeled as quite insane.
P.S. Ignore all that shit I just typed. I’m drunk off my ass, and I think it’s time for me to try this suicide thing everyone’s talking about.
A cancer cell is a normal cell that’s been damaged by radiation (or some other coding error), causing it to continue and/or replicate indefinitely until it starves due to its own action upon the system sustaining it. You could compare human beings to cancer and the analogy would fit, to an extent, but human beings have the ability to adapt and to change their relationship with the systems sustaining them (as evidenced many times in history). Further, for that analogy to fit, every human would have to be a cancer cell, in which case the entire species is just one big tumor – on what? Life? Everything that lives, dies a natural death, unlike a cancer cell that continues on and on until it starves or is killed by some outside agent. We’re just a very misguided race full of very misguided individuals, that cling to self-defeating beliefs because it’s easier to say that we’re all bad than it is to recognize that we could (each, individually) be better than we are by the same token.
First off, you’re right about me being everyone and everyone being me, that is why I titled it “I’m not alone”. and I somewhat agree to the pendulum analogy…
the thing is, I’m well aware of myself (I’ve lived with myself for a while now…) I’m not a generally confused person, what I am is that I’m torn between, at times, two or more strongly opposing beliefs or truths is most cases. I’ve tried many ways to get a bit of a handle on it but failed miserably.
tried it from: a compassionate point of view, a purely logical and currently, I’m trying to find a middle ground. problem is, I’ve not been in the box for a long time. for mire than a decade I’ve not found a third option, I’ve existed by only setting goals challenging enough to distract me from myself…I’m running out of ideas.
What is it about yourself that you need to distract yourself from? That /is/ the box. The thing about boxes, in this sense, is that they exist in mental space – they might be rigid, but if they serve you poorly, even the most solid wall can be knocked down and rebuilt.
i kno that seething rage all too well angelus. i deal with it every day