My losing battle with Autism.

It is said that 63% of the autistic people, particularly those with the lower spectrum thinks of suicide. 37% already attempted or died from suicide. I am one of them of the 63%

The feeling of not being accepted is a very painful one. That is the only tip of the iceberg. I have gotten over the fact people will never accept and understand me whoever I want. However, the sad part, I have succumbed to the temptation I am no longer able to accept who I am.

My university friends has been extremely nice to me and encouraging despite my horrible result. Somehow I just don’t fit. I feel I have to leave somehow. Perhaps I am so used to being thumbed down by bullies in my school. I don’t feel comfortable. I feel university friends have some hidden agenda. Are they waiting for me to get kicked out university and never come back?

I feel alone in fact even more alone than I have ever been whenever I have been around university friends. I know everyone is having a pretty hard time getting a master degree. Everybody seemed to have possessed the strength to continue. Somehow I don’t. It is the strength I do not have or my body is not able to accept.

My university friends have the ability to absorb the contents from the university which I am not able to no matter how hard I try. Yes autistic people do have an extremely short attention span.

Though I am physically close to my university friends. I cannot help but feel I am lonely stranger from afar, wondering if I can ever be like them or perhaps if I belonged into their group.

My university friends took a class picture when I was away. I didn’t intentionally go away on purpose. I had a company event. Naturally, they put it up on facebook. I had a look at it with a tinge of sadness and happiness. Happiness cause there was camaraderie, sadness as it was a camaraderie I was not meant to be part of it.

The more I looked at the picture, the more I realized the company event came at the right time. The picture looked better without me in it. I felt a sense of achievement that I fixed the problem by not being there.

The feeling of wanting to be accepted by oneself, let alone by others, is long haul and is taking a toll out of me. I am really tired of fighting.

Emotions runs high as bursting questions like “What are you doing here?” and comments like ” I don’t belong me” haunts me every day for 27 years. I was told suicide thought comes with this “disease”. It is normal to feel that way being autistic as we always goes the struggle of being accepted.

Yes I did go for psychiatric evaluation when I was kid. During that time, medical research was not advance. The psychiatrist could find no wrong. My teachers thought I was being rude and stupid. Being in one reputable school like SCGS, it is not tolerated.

I was taunted by teachers and my classmates every day. I didn’t understand why then.

I forgave all them, my teachers and my classmates. They were ignorant. They probably were too busy having fun to realize that they were killing me from the inside. They, like my doctors didn’t find anything wrong of me.

The thing about being autism is that horrible and sad things that you go through haunts you every day. One of the sad things include “daily taunts from my classmates and teachers ” mentioned earlier. I tried hypnotism. It didn’t help. That is the reason why I call it a disease of repetition.

I understand that having suicidal thoughts is part and parcel of autism. I recognize it. Unfortunately the treatment came in too late, I had no control over it. If the treatment has come in earlier, it would not be so bad. Well! I guess it is not meant to be.

Being suicidal may not be about discontentment. It is sense of feeling that the world would be a better place without oneself. It is that everything will end well without oneself just “my” class picture with no me again. You feel that you are nothing but trouble.

I am a ticking time-bomb. There will be a day when I will call for a time out. I am after all human. I feel sad for my family. I hope my family will come to understand and appreciate that it is a battle well-fought. 27 years is a long time.