So Lost

Hey guys I decided I would just share my story before coming to a final close. I am a nineteen year old male living in Austin who has become disgustingly depressed. I grew up what you would call a “perfect child,” as school work became my entire life. My parents are high class, high expectation type of people who get on my ass about every little negative detail about me. I feel like I have grown up a robot, and now I am waking up to see how tragic my life is like. I have been to wilderness program and a therapeutic boardinig school just a couple of years ago when I had become suicidal. I was sent to these places in order to heal, because my life wasn’t working for me. It turns out these programs are nothing but scams trying to inhale all your money. It seems like any type of help I seek out turns out to be harmful instead. I have been isolating basically my whole life, because I feel more comfortable alone than around people. My social life is non-existent, but I know if I were to go out somewhere, I would become scared and anxious and just go home. My sex life is tragic. I tried losing my virginity when I was seventeen but was unable to do so. My penis didn’t get hard because of sexual anxiety and most of all, lack of interest. Since then, I’ve tried having sex with four girls. With three of them I only tried it once, because the female would refuse to talk to me after the ongoing incident of failing to fuck them. The last girl I tried about fifteen times and failed every single fucking time. I’m sick of being sick. I see myself as a terribly ill, depressed teenager who doesn’t even have enough life force energy to do something like make love. I don’t know what love is, I only know fear. I have become fear itself, and the only emotion I feel is pain. I feel a slight amount of joy when I see others in pain, because I feel like they’re getting a little taste of what it’s like to be me all the time. I am so sick. It is time to go. Goodbye earth, goodbye time and space, it’s time to go home. I’ll be back <3