I’m trying to organize things before I committ suicide. (I was thinking of saying, “do it” or “take the big sleep” or something, but there’s no point in talking around it- my plan is to commit suicide, plain and simple). This will probably be part 1, since I’m sure I’ll think of other things to do.
1. Most important and I know the hardest. Write my son a letter and tell him how very very proud I am of him. Honestly, I’m crying now just thinking about it. He’s 18 now, a man, and a fine one- so at least that’s one thing I did right. But he doesn’t need me now, he has his own path to follow.
2. Write a letter to my wife and let her know how sorry I am that I always let her down. At least after this I won’t be disappointing her anymore. I figure I’ll mail these letters the day before, so they’ll get there after. I don’t want any kind of last second efforts to save me.
3. Clean off my computer- no, I don’t have a porn stash on there; I figure whichever family member gets the laptop, no point in having reminders of me on there for them to delete.
4. Mail Christmas presents home- maybe someone can get some joy from something I did.
There will be more, I’m sure- any suggestions? Also, I’m kind of leaning towards New Year’s Eve, just because my wife’s birthday is the 29th, rather let her have her day free from my death. On the other hand, my business trip expense forms at the end of the month certainly don’t matter any more! 18 days- or maybe less, we’ll see how it goes. I just don’t care about greeting 2015.
15 comments
I’m sorry about how you feel, rea3366, but I do believe your son will still need you in the future, and not to know that you’ve killed yourself. I suppose if we all analysed our life, a lot of us would feel we’re not achieving a great deal, or feel we’re living an empty life, but that doesn’t mean we don’t matter, or can’t change it. As I mentioned before, you have done a lot with regards to bringing up a family successfully, you must recognise that one fact. Only in death will it be apparent what you truly meant to them, but by then it’ll be too late, it would be good to try to find out now. It’s hard to know what else to say, you seem, however, to have made up your mind, but it does make me sad that someone who I believe can have a future is wanting to die, I hope you do reconsider it.
I’m so sorry, rea, you’re living with such pain. I want to believe both your wife and son still need you and love your presence. I obviously don’t know your specific situation at all so this is simply hope from a stranger.
I hope you find peace
dear rea, um, yeah. i, too am writing that letter to my son. i have been writing it for over 2 weeks. i have found that no matter how i phrase it, what spin i put on it, what excuses i use, whatever, that their is no way that i can kill myself without him shouldering a huge amount of guilt. i love him too much to do that to him. yes it angers me. i too want to die and be free of my pain and misery, but not at that price. he’s 26, suffered tbi at birth, was a pickle to raise, and is a wonderful, beautiful young man. he is aware of my problems and is afraid i will find the courage to follow through. he is still saving my life, and is unaware of it. truly amazing what love can do. yeah, folks like us like to deny that we have love in our life, but we do. damnit. im still writing that letter. i get as far as “dear son, i love you.” i have wasted so much paper. 18 is still so young. you still have so much to teach him. the sadness, guilt, and regret of depression is not one of them. joy and happiness may have bypassed us, but lets not pass this down to the next generation. peace to you
The thought of my son is the only thing that has gotten me this far.
yes, my son, and my EX-wife. thats right, EX-wife. love her as much now, as when i first saw her. DAMN, this love stuff is a pain in the ass. still better than the hate and rage, though. im hoping my son will teach me how to live. iit may be diffrent, but so what. my life is diffrent anyway. and its so fun to watch him be him.
Your post really struck home. It seemed that you were writing about ME. How can two people feel and think the same way? I started organizing my plan months ago and already wrote rough drafts of my suicide notes. Like you, the hardest was the one to my 19 year old son, and in fact, I started off saying “this is the hardest letter I’ve had to write…” My son is in an ROTC unit, and I am very proud of him. My greatest fear is how my death will affect him. I had hoped to die during the summer when he is out of school and my wife off work, so that they would have time to adjust before going back to school. Unfortunately his summer training is right before college resumes, and I can’t risk interupting his training, so I’m not sure what to do. And, like you, I don’t want my wife receiving her letter before I am actually dead, so I have been considering mailing it, instead of leaving it at the house when I leave for the last time. Although the final event that will initiate the last week or so of my life has yet to occur, I know that when the time comes, and I am at peace with my decision, I don’t want my wife calling the police or family members to search for me. I know the initial shock will be hard on her, but, just like in your case, I won’t be disappointing her or hurting her feelings anymore. Again, I am amazed that two strangers can feel and think the same. I wonder how many other people think and feel this way.
i know of one
Lost2many and rea3366 – I am going through the same thing in many ways but I am the female version of you. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t have children, but I would be hurting my husband. It is a gut wrenching situation where I hurt him if I stay or if I go. I had already been fighting depression for the many years we’ve been together, but i was always able to pull through and still function. But a year ago, my life changed forever when i suffered medical malpractice that ruined my life. It caused me permanent physical problems including ruining my appearance which is devastating for a woman and I have been in the most severe depression ever since. I have lost my sense of pride and dignity, I feel ashamed and degraded because I was a vital woman, now I am a non functioning child. My husband has to do so much now because the depth of depression has turned me into a non functioning heap of a mess. He is a wonderful person by helping me in this way, but he cannot help me out of the pain and suffering I feel every day. As much as he does for me, he can’t live my life for me. You see, the PTSD I suffered after what happened to me gave way to becoming agoraphobic which makes me so dependent on him that I feel worthless. And yes, when you were self sufficient before and now you can’t leave the house anymore, you will feel worthless. I have no one but him to talk to about it but he just doesn’t want to hear it anymore. He doesn’t want to be around someone who is in depression all the time, full of pain. I don’t blame him for that, it ‘s the way everyone is, but it leaves me completely alone and I can’t live trapped in this pain for years to come. I tried therapy but it was useless because it can’t take away the problem that’s causing how I feel. I’ve lost my inner quality of life and I don’t know how to suffer every day so someone else isn’t hurt. The last thing in this world I want to do is hurt the person that’s done so much for me, but how do I take this pain every day for life? That is the heaviest burden to bear imagineable. I have a plan to end things and all I do is put it off every day while I can barely manage to get out of bed anymore. Only staying alive for another person because you don’t want to hurt them. I know exactly how that feels. If there is a way for either of you to private message me to talk and you’re interested in doing so, please let me know. I can’t believe that any of us are in this position. I never could have imagined it.
Fortunately my work has me out of the country now, so I know they won’t be the ones who find the body. I would like to think that would make it easier on them. I don’t expect to see the US again. I really don’t know how much I’ll be missed, but I am pretty sure it won’t be all that much. I spent many years away from my family in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other places trying to protect them, I think they’re used to me being gone now.
I am glad that there are others who think like I do, to know that in this, at least, I am not alone. I hope that makes sense.
Maybe you should look into how suicide does affects those left behind, it varies in each situation, but reading stories online is sad. Perhaps you know deep down that it may be hard for your son/family, I can’t say. I know you may think I’m using emotional blackmail on you, I’m sorry if that’s the case, but, because you love your son, and he’s still young I feel you should consider the the effects before you try, you do come across as a caring and loving father/person. Perhaps that’s one reason why I haven’t killed myself yet, although I’m not in contact with any of my family, I know they’ll have to deal with it. It’s true you have free will, nobody can take that away from you, I just hope you make the right decision, and not let depression make you believe you’re not needed, that you’ll be a failure in life which you’re not. At least this site has shown you others are going through similar emotional problems, struggling day to day, perhaps it may give you pause for thought if you do try, that there is help out there.
Please look for help. Your son won’t get over this. You are kidding yourself if you think he will. It sounds like your wife loves you very much too. Do you know a parent committing suicide greatly increases the chance their kids will? Cause people feel guilty. ‘What if I was a better son? what if I don’t this? or that? Maybe we fought too much. maybe I didn’t try hard enough. maybe…’
Please reconsider.
It won’t get any better for me. I am just too tired of this life. There’s really nothing else to look forward to, so maximum 17 days left.
That goes for us both, tired of life, but isn’t there anything left, it’s because I feel you do have more in life than me, that’s so saddening for me to know. As I mentioned before, suicide does affect others, reading of a daughter who’s father killed himself, she’s struggled with it, she’d have done anything to help him had she known. You say max 17 days, I hope you’ll take some time first to look at things objectively, you may realise that, yes, your son will still need you, he won’t want to know you ended it. Again, I know what it’s like to feel there’s nothing to look forward to, but I’m alone in life, and still I’m trying to get through it; with your son, you certainly have a reason to find help and to do the same.
I started my plan months ago, and felt relief as I took each concrete step in the plan, speaking with the funeral director, buying a grave plot and just recently, putting a deposit on my gravestone. I had planned where and how, and learned where to obtain what I needed. I figured I could carry it out during the summer, when my son would have on college break, and finished his ROTC summer training, and my wife be off work for the summer, and they would both have time to adjust before returning to school. Then I learned his training was right before college resumes. I had also figured I could enjoy my last Christmas season, but like you, I feel dead inside and feel I have nothing to look forward to. Plus, acting as if nothing is the matter is just wearing me down. I just want it to be over now.
rea3366, if you’re still here then all I can say is as a son who has barely spoken to his father in 25 years after getting away from his physical and mental violence at 18, is that all the time I’m aware, especially when around freinds and their fathers and see the relationships they have, is all that I’ve missed out on in the way of having my Father see me grow, sharing my life’s journey with the man who was part of giving me that life. Sounds like you’ve been a great Father, don’t leave him when his road is just getting going.