What No One Ever Answered

This is long, if you don’t mind, but I’m sad and I tend to get all blabbery when that happens.

Lately it’s been very apparent that people don’t cut me the same slack that they would virtually anyone else (literally, from douche bags to decent people and everywhere in between–this has been tested). And because this seems to be a repeating phenomenon; where I’m given not even a second chance, I can’t help but wonder: am I really so unsavory of both character and appearance that I warrant indecency? But even that doesn’t make sense to me. People have told me I’m “hot.” People have told me that I’m “really sweet.” People have even told me (more times than both) that I’m “a lot of fun to be around.” Yet, most people I’ve met just stop talking to me randomly and will never respond to my casual requests to hang out unless it is a year or so in the future. And they never tell me why they ignore me (if we ever talk again). It just happens and I’ve got no choice but to accept it and never know why. I’m always iffy about asking, because I don’t want to incite an argument and I don’t want to make things intense either. To make matters worse, if I’m not being ignored, then I do something wrong and I’m never ever forgiven again. Regardless if the other person has made their generous share of mistakes (that I’ve forgiven, no problem).

Additionally, people have no problem complaining about their problems and neither do I. But they cannot afford me that same thing. When people insult me and I engage them in a calm and constructive dialogue (over and over again), yet when I do the same thing on VERY rare occasions out of short-lived anger, I’m given no slack whatsoever. Girls constantly feel too intimidated to be romantic with me to the point of ignoring me or simply want to fuck me. Every guy who ends up being more than an acquaintance with me is either gay and wants to fuck me too, or ends up harboring some sort of resentment towards me. People call me “really intense” after they instigate such conversations. I just don’t get it.

It’s funny. My ex-girlfriend actually told me (in the middle of a rare emotional breakdown of mine, no less) that the reason I’m so depressed is because I welcome it; because it gives me some source of uniqueness or an “edge” over everyone else. I was appalled by her saying that, because the truth is, is that I’m depressed and suicidal because I’ve never been treated with very basic decencies. Hardly anyone responds to my texts or inquiries in general. During a time in my life when I was ruled by very severe depression, my mom told me that she was tired of listening to me (I’d only approached her five times for help in all my life) and said I needed to get counseling; my brother told me to “stop cryin’ over a *****”; my sister didn’t want to listen; and me and my dad are too distant emotionally for him to really be there for me like that. And my friends? I don’t really have any.

I just don’t get it. Well, I kind of do, but I don’t like it; people will always have their better friends. People will always have their better confidents. Everyone else is always better than me. But why? I know for a fact that I’m reliable, trustworthy, honest, strong, adventurous, a good listener, a good mentor, considerate, forgiving, genuine and the list goes on and I can prove to anyone that isn’t just chaff I’m typing out.

I often wonder if it’s “my destiny,” to be pushed to some destructive path. When I was in high school, I welcomed the notion, but ever since those days, I’ve wanted nothing more than to find my own sun. I’ve always wanted to do that with someone at my side. I don’t know why this is happening to me, but I do know that in all likelihood, I will not win. I will not find that sun.