What’s wrong with me?

I don’t know why I’m depressed. If someone asked me why or if I was writing a suicide note and trying to explain it, I wouldn’t know what to say. My parents are constantly at each others throats, have been for as long as I can remember. I’ve seen violence in my family, even been on the receiving end of it a few times. My old school was horrible, my classmates hated me and always made me feel like there was something wrong with me. But those three reasons are all I can think of and they’re not even that bad. My parents love me and my classmates have never physically hurt me, most of the time they just ignored me and now I’m in a new school. So why do I want to die? I don’t know why but I just can’t find a good reason to live, like what’s the point? One way or another 90 years from now I will definitely be dead, so why not check out sooner? If suicide was just a little easier, if I had a gun or some pills I’d do it, I would’ve done it a long time ago, but it’s not that simple. I live with my parents, so I’d have to be creative. I have ways to do it, I’ve thought about it enough times to figure out exactly what and when I’d have to do, but it’s hard, it takes effort and there’s always that chance that I’d fail and then everyone would know and everything would change.

The sad thing is that I’m fine as long as I live in my own fantasy world. I have a really good imagination and I make up these stories in my head and spend most of my time like that or watching TV shows and then I feel good, but if I focus on the real world for a longer time I just want to die again. How messed up is that? It’s just that the real world is boring and cruel and painful. What’s wrong with me?