Black Cloud and Sunshine

I’ve fought my depression alone for eight years. It was a struggle I was losing most of the time. My depression is a black cloud that covers me and strangles and poisons everything in my life. My depression has defined everything about me as a person, a few of these things being my motivation, self-confidence and social life. I hate the person I see in the mirror with such intensity it scares me. I would numb myself from the world by seeking out any distractions I can find, be it books or video games (with diminishing results, I can’t pick up a book anymore and I love reading – the black cloud poisons). I don’t think I’m strong, but I like to think of myself as a fighter, because for 8 long years I’ve been knocked down constantly inside my own mind but have always gotten back up again. This is something I’ve managed to convey into my gym program, which I’ve succeeded greatly with for a year, going 5 days a week. I strictly live day by day and try hard to suppress my memories – the past is just pain and the future only promises more.

I thought about suicide every single day. I’ve come to accept that my future is inevitably to take my own life. One day I will just break past the point of being able to put myself back together. January 17th 2015 was the lowest moment in my life. That night I finally made the decision I knew had long been coming. It wasn’t just thoughts anymore, I had finally decided that I could be strong enough to finally see the end of  the war, the end of my pain.

January 18th 2015 – I met her. Like some kind of miracle or a page out of a fanciful story I go out and see this girl and in one sudden single moment my black cloud is completely vaporized by brilliant sunshine. Like a dam wall suddenly breaking open I’m hit by a huge increase in confidence and sociability. The only way I can describe it was that for a couple glorious days I was actually ME and HAPPY, without the poisonous effects of the black cloud.

She’s fucking gorgeous and stunning and more amazing the more I got to know her. Unbelievably and more incredibly she was actually REALLY INTERESTED in ME. Those first few nights we spent hanging out were the best (and only good) moments of my life. I’ve gone from my lowest point to such an incredible high I havn’t been able to sleep or eat properly for a week.

I asked her out on a date and she said yes. That day I could do fucking anything, I was king of the fucking world. For one day my entire future opened up and all I could see was hope, I suddenly wanted to have a future, everything suddenly seemed real and all I could see were opportunities for being happy. Instead of ignoring my 21st birthday until it had passed like just another day I actually wanted to celebrate it and could actually imagine how I would.

But I’d never been on a date before. I was still ME at this stage (without the black cloud) and I even though I was slightly nervous and made mistakes and had some awkward pauses of silence and could of done things better with hindsight – I was myself and I did my best and I didn’t show myself to be too desperate (she knew my dating history beforehand anyway). She seemed to still genuinely be interested in me the whole time but I forgot to set a second date in person. I think I’ve fucked up, because she doesn’t seem interested in me anymore, and I’m not sure whether she will accept a second date. I know these things happen and is common to a lot of people, but damn man it still fucking hurts.

I was so LOW DOWN, and then I FLEW. I thought I could land somewhere higher than I was before (A girl actually LIKING me would still be a huge boost to my confidence where before I was sure nobody would)

But I could of never imagined how far the fall would still be.

I think this is the fall that breaks me.

Hello again my Black Cloud. Hello once more my one and only companion.