I don’t want to live anymore. I’m no poet, no profound words, no beautiful prose. I just want to move on to whatever is next. I had a friend who killed herself. It was such a shock: she was so perfectly beautiful that men literally collided with each other when they saw her.
But now I see her as so brave and I am deeply ashamed that I can’t even get up enough courage to stop being a burden to everyone around me. I am already a ghost in my own life, a literal cliched shadow of my former self. When my boyfriend looks at me,he has nothing but contempt for me. According tohimthe root of all his problems is me. Never mind that I haven’t had a day off in literally years and always am working to help support him and his bills/ lifestyle. Never mind that he spent all my savings and credit, that’s not his problem and will be paid when he thinks it should, and I let him. He threatens me and when that doesn’t work he hits me, throws me against walks, even threw me into the shower curtain which momentum made me fall into the shower with all that falling on me and around me. Last month, finally someone called the police and they asked me if I was ok. I said I was. I don’t have anywhere to go or to turn to. I’m not worth much in the scheme of things, so why bother. I know the way he treats me is wrong, but I no longer have the resources to leave nor the spark of determination to start over again. Once in awhile I visualize myself going to some place for mental health and seeing someone working there that I used to know from “real life”. I hate myself so much already, my shame and humiliation would be complete. It wouldn’t exactly be an update for a reunion for me, but titilating enough I am sure, for them.
So here I sit, typing a bunch of bullshit because I’m at the end of my rope, I’m ashamed to do anything about it, except die.
I want to be just like my perfect friend, but so far can only write about planning to plan. What a joke. Seriously, its funny in a dark way. If anyone can tell me how to get the courage up to end the suffering, please help me. And don’t bother telling me there is hope. There isn’t any.
3 comments
Your beautiful. Why are you letting this asshole try to control you and your life? Nobody deserves this. But still its your choice if you really want to go out just do it silently and make that jerk pay for what hes done.
No one is above anyone. No one should ever make you feel insignificant after you try so hard. It’s hard but I know you can come on top of this.
I’m so sorry you have an abusive boyfriend. It’s difficult to leave someone like that. I really wish your friend’s death didn’t trigger you. I wish there’s someone that can take you away from this mess and you can start your life over. I really hope you can find peace. Whatever happpens, be bold. Stay strong. I think you’re brave withstanding that horrid human being. Wish you luck.