I have no one to talk to. I do not expect those that are in my life to understand. I have seen them feign seconds of interest only to direct conversation to themselves. Besides, my feelings and thoughts would only raise false concern and patronizing remarks – if history has shown me anything. Over the years I have learned to bury my emotions inside and isolate myself.
Lately, pretending has been hard. I am sure my smiles seem forced. I have lost all mental fortitude and I can longer stay composed. I want to be alone. I do not want to die. I only wish to not exist. Unfortunately for me, the two are not mutually exclusive. This is the recurring thought at the forefront of my mind. The thought is a daily occurrence of different magnitudes. Some days I manage ignore reality. However, on days like today I just want to be alone and away from everything and everyone, I plead with some imaginary wish-granter for death to fall upon me.
I feel like a burden. I dislike being a burden and I dislike feeling. I do not want anything from anyone: food, shelter, money, attention, affection. It all feels wasted on me. I do not want to eat, but I get hungry and then sick. I do not desire anything but non-existence – I guess that makes me selfish and ungrateful… so for now I can keep living for those who probably would not ever understand their hypocrisy and that irony.
This is all word vomit… and my first attempt and conveying the thoughts constantly racing through my mind.
2 comments
Hi 10Nil, maybe we should all go to Japan. I hear they have a much healthier attitude toward death and even suicide.
I guess there are 2 main reasons why people avoid topics like death. (1) they just can’t comprehend it, or more likely (2) it scares the living piss out of them.
Probably a little of both. Add to the mix the inherent self-centered nature of humans (being unwilling/unable to empathize with others in pain) and you’ve got yourself a society of people who shun people like you who have “unpopular” ideas to share.
All I can suggest is if you have some artistic talent… drawing, music, writing, whatever…indulge it. That’s the one realm where you can say whatever you want, and for some reason people respect it. I often wonder how many times Van Gogh tried to express his feelings through words but was ignored. But the same expressions through art are respected the world over. Funny huh.
Salt,
Thank you for the suggestion. I try to play my piano or write when I feel I have the energy for it. I think people respect these ideas in music or art because in reality many can relate to emotions of sadness and death at some point or when in “a mood”. Most people fail to understand that the rest of us experience this constantly and the subject makes them uncomfortable because its an unfamiliar experience for them.
Japan has always been a desired destination for me. Perhaps I will make it there some day.
Thank you for your comment.