The current situation is a sick love story. The girl who I think is the one, thinks the same of me… Yet; she cheats on me and gives as reason that she is insecure due to that I got a message on my phone in the early stage of our relationship. She is also jealous the moment someone looks at me in a club; me noticing that someone is looking at me is enough to shatter her self-esteem.
Then after several months of dating she tells me she need to meet her ex to be sure of her feelings and that this relationship is truly the one that she wants. Trying to be mature I allowed this as he visited her and promised me that with this person really nothing occurred other then her rejecting him and saying that she wants to be with me.
At this point it was still good, she had mood swings but I truly believed I was able to do something about her insecurities.. but while trying to respect her emotional stages I have allowed her to become my abuser.
Within 365 days in which we met each other, made love and told each other that we love each other she has had more then 17 dates, took it further with at least 7 of them and started 2 relationships while still seeing me as well.
We have know each other now for 1 years and 3 months.
We had bad stages, which i believe now which she uses to excuse her behavior further… She cannot respect that I am hurt and that I am not able to be as strong as I need to be for this relationship…
I can find no place for these feelings that I have, when I get a blowjob blowjob I get depressed due to memories of her cheating coming back. I know all the information yet I cannot stop liking her; I do not even know what the attraction is but when it is good it is perfect.
During this all I started a drugs habbit; mostly joints(sometimes 4grams a day).
But also pain killers that I sometimes take as candy on a exceptional stressful day then I take (frontin: but I have no clue on the side effects except that it makes me sleepy)
I inflict pain on myself by hitting my body against objects when i find out new information and I have riptured my forehead skin due to this.
And I have started fights with bullies, these are people who seek fights by walking in to you and try to provococate you or others one way or another.
If I would read this from anyone else I would say stop being a baby. I wish I could, but through it all I lost all my self respect, stopped sporting and in general I went from running half marathons at 90kg to a body weight of 78-82kg. This is one of the reasons why I am depressed as well I would like to be in this shape again but I am simply out of energy.
In my child hood I went to several locations for orphans and became one when my step mother told me she can no longer take care of me at the age of 8. This is a person with plenty of numbers in her bank account and is legally my mother yet I never saw her support growing up.
I though of suing my step mom several times but I much rather beat him up… That is the other kicker my stepmom used to be a guy. There are plenty of people that I would wish to hurt but out legal system does not allow this so I never gave in to these urges.
This same I would like to do with my real mother who left with her abuser and got 2 babies with him. Who at the same time has tried to kill me as a child as I was not his blood; which is the reason why she left “to protect me”.
My father has suffered of depression and I do not outrule that it might run in the family I also do not think that I am as all my depressions originate from events.
And I am not a loser, I am good at whatever I put my energy in. I am not unattractive just I lost all interest in other woman when I got to know her. My only flaw is that I find it hard remembering things seems diffucult for me. But I hope that is only due to my current life style (i forget what I say when I have made the words out loud.. if someone interrupts me then I lose the chain of thoughts).
I tried recently to kill myself with just a plastic bag and I seem to have learned of some tricks to make my panic reactions stop and this is not my first attempt my first failed attempt was as a teenager using chloroform (i wonder if this have given me any health side effects sometimes). I woke up the next morning feeling worse then before and thought of doing it again but the chloroform had evaporated when I woke up.
Instead of trying again I made a plan to leave my home country (Netherlands) and I did. I still did not find a love for humans in general due to that I think most people are too selfish and aggressive.
My political views are quite socialistic and require some form or dictatorship in which people who do not participate are eliminated from society… In this way I mean that people abusing social care and people who do not accept their actions being debated should be eliminated from society there should be a zero toleration of people like these.
I think this originates from my childhood history and children in school thinking it was funny to make fun of the fact that someone is an orphan. My luck is that I have always been the tallest kid in schools I stopped growing at the age of 13 and stayed around 190cm so these kids learned their lessons the moment they spoke the words.
My regret is that I will not be able to change this world but I can accept dying in peace knowing that it is nearly impossible to change the world for the better.
I do not wish to go through the recovery stages of my weed abuse nor do I wish to stay in this current country in which I just started a new job making it possible for me to leave any day that I choose until March.
I usually do not have the energy to get out of bed and at this point I nearly ran out of my savings. I do not know what i want at this point anymore. I would love to backpack in Iceland or move to Antarctica to find peace in the white but these are no real options as the effort to make it a reality is too much at this point.
2 days ago I stopped eating and drinking.. I think this method can take 2 weeks so it is not an attempt to kill myself it is more a side effect of my current mood. Just like insomnia is another one that I have.
I plan to end it soon, but I am still scared and the reason is that I know she going to be sad… Even though she is current reason for me being this weak excuse as a human.. which really is my own fault for not being able to give up.
I am not yet sure of what life will bring me further.
My only regret in life is that I did not leave this girl when she showed signs of insecurity as at that time I had plenty of savings to move to any part of the world… But I also do not regret it.