There are times when I feel like I want to destroy the whole world – to obliterate everyone who’s life isn’t as wretched as mine – to bring it all to an end. If I can’t be happy, why should anyone else?
In my less childish moments, I suppose I believe that it’s good that human life exists. That there are many people who enjoy friendship, fall in love, pursue things that seem meaningful to them. Even if that necessitates there being people like me, who can’t experience those things, and feel their absence. Even if there are people who experience unendurable agony for long periods of their life. I find it hard to maintain that such suffering outweighs the happiness experienced by others.
So human life, in general, seems a good thing.
When it comes to my own life though, it’s harder to say. I guess that to end it would cause a great deal of suffering to my family, which seems a terrible thing to do. But perhaps how I’ve lived up to now, and who I’ve become, is also causing them a lot of suffering, of a less intense kind. Perhaps I could find a way to end my life without destroying theirs, by gradually reducing contact with them. Maybe they would adjust to it, and keep living much the same.
Even if ending my life would tear their’s apart, is there a point where that becomes justified? How bad does my life have to get before my suffering outweighs theirs? When does committing suicide become the morally good thing to do?
And what if that point never comes – suppose I go on living for another 30 years, just to avoid doing that to them. How do I bear it? When all I want is not to be. When nothing in this life holds my interest, and I only desire what is out of reach. If all I’m doing is killing time, going through the motions.
How do you live your life for others, when it’s lost all meaning for you? When you don’t sleep at night, but just lie there for hours, and each day is spent wandering around in a foggy haze. When everything seems empty, and you resent the happiness of others. When you’re not good enough, or selfless enough, to really care, hard as you might try. When you’re utterly alone, even while surrounded by people.
5 comments
I can only speak for myself, I mean obviously, this is all relative…
so- I attempted it 3 times before but they were never thought out, and the first time shouldn’t really count as I was in 4th grade and thought a bottle of Tylenol would do the trick. I’m not that close to my family and I kinda feel like they’re expecting it anyways so what i decided is that I draw the line when I feel I’ve become a total burden, when I have nothing left to offer or contribute and rely 100% on them for financial support. I can’t work cause i’m a mess and I refuse to get back on meds so I calculate that June 2016 is when I become homeless as money will have run out- so that’s my expiration date 6/2016…. the issue is, can I hold out till then-
“How do you live your life for others, when it’s lost all meaning for you?”
When you live for others they become the meaning of your life.
its not enough to live for others. at one point the kick in the pain threshold releases and it fires the thought “why am i enduring this pain anymore?” The pain becomes unimaginable and when you speak of unendurable suffering — trust me i know what you’re saying. you caught me on a day today where im vulnerable. my armor has been pierced and im fuckin breakin’ down…
resenting other’s happiness is a daily feel for me. when you look at them complaining about seemingly trivial issues while you’re over there in the corner silently dying inside while wanting to slap them sideways. people say you can’t measure each other’s pain and that one person’s pain isn’t worse than another… bullshit. just like EVERYTHING else there is a hierarchy and ranking system when it comes to pain. when somebody breaks both their legs as opposed to the guy who only breaks one — guess who’s in more pain fuckin dumbfucks. tired of hearing people say oh everybody’s pain is equal. fuck off.
chronic pain is an entirely different beast. anybody can deal with an acute situation where there are pain spikes and they gradually subside. but to be held over the back burner element with never any escape is absolutely different.
im between a rock and a hard place. its fucked cause the past few weeks — more like months its like people assume im being a fuckin asshole on purpose. assuming all this bullshit about me. assuming that i wanted to hurt them. they dont KNOW what teh FUCK its like to be a marionette string puppet subject to a fuckin condition that is relentlessly unmerciful. fuck em man. fuck people who sit and assume they know your pain. or they understand the motives behind what you DO or DONT do.
the day you feel that suicide is the right choice for you. no need to justify it unless you want to explain it. if not, you pull the trigger peacefully knowing you did ALL you could and the odds were stacked against you. sometimes the game is rigged and you gotta cut your losses. Sometimes the best win is appears like a loss to the other players. good luck friend. i digress
i concur
Speaking philosophically…In my mind, I have come to the conclusion that there is no inherent meaning in life. There is no higher purpose except that which we choose for ourselves. So, right or wrong comes down to what you feel is acceptable.
I’m having trouble putting it all into words, but essentially what I’m getting at is that my belief is that nothing matters. If nothing matters, no outcome is any better or worse than another. So you have full right in my belief system, to do something that will cause pain. This is a barebones translation, but I hope I made sense.