So. Tonight I was the closest I’ve ever gotten to finally killing myself. I mean it’s been maybe 8 months since I came to the conclusion that I needed to die, yet all I have to show for it are some fading scratches on my arm. It’s also been only a little bit shorter since I’ve started cutting myself – not so much because it made me feel better, but to get used to the pain and basically practice. I have to admit though, it usually did make the pain go away for the moment – except today. I made a deliberately deeper cut than most of the ones before, but it did nothing.
Then there was this small thing that made me realize that I can’t keep putting it off indefinitely as I have been doing – the earliest in the week the better, and I was determined to do it right than and there, but as I picked up the razor, my hands started getting colder and shaking and I couldn’t even make the small scratch like cut I used to do before – couldn’t even touch the blade to my skin. I’m still just too scared of death. So I just cried hopelessly for a while and then did what I always do when faced with a problem – try to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist.
Except it is now 2:35 at night where I am and I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight. I briefly considered asking my family to get me help, but I’ve already tried it and as far as I’ve seen, the kind of help that might do something for me doesn’t exist in my country – at least not for people with such undefinable problems as me.
If anyone actually managed to get through this mess of words, I’m sorry for not being very comprehensible at the moment. There are more things I’d like to say, more thoughts and details I want to share, but it’s hard enough to make even this much intelligible so well… If anyone does read this please post a response? I don’t know why, but it’s important for me to know, that at least someone out there actually heard my feelings…
8 comments
Hey, I literally just made an account after reading this because I was so scared . I dont even know you but I really dont want you to go. Im so sorry your having these problems and i can totally relate. Im really glad you didnt go through with your suicidal thoughts, you are so strong. And I am so glad the other half of your brain was telling you not to go. You have so much to look forward to in life. Any problems you are having you can over come them, Its so not worth it. All the pain you will cause to anyone who knows you. You need to try to reach out to your family again or anyone you can trust. You can get through this. youve probably heard this but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and this is so very true. Please reach out to someone, it might just save your life and make it worth living.
Oh and I hope you reply. I might go back to see if you did tomorrow or tonight. I dont know where you live or what time it is but here its 6:02 pm and Im in Canada. So hopefully Ill see a reply! Stay strong you amazing human <3
Why do you feel this way? I mean sure, we all have reasons for wanting to die, but what’s yours?
I don’t think I’m capable of productive life. I don’t know if it’s plain old willpower I’m missing or maybe I’m just lazy or just too scared of too many things or what but… I’m 24 years old nearing 25 and I have achieved nothing. I have never held a job – over the years gone to maybe 3 job interviews, each of which was nervewracking enough that I never could send out any more CVs afterwards… I’ve tried going to university – for what, 4 years? And managed to finish one semester and never move forward – not because it was too hard, because I could never make myself do the studying or sometimes go to the lectures or exams… All I seem to be able to do is leech my parents’ health and money and I really can’t keep doing that. I’m trying one more time to get a job – managed to send out all of TWO applications, but at least I’m supposed to have an interview next week. But if I fail, the only option is to go back to my parents’ town again and just… I can’t do that anymore. Unless I can manage to find some sort of existence that doesn’t make me have to overcome being terrified of something or other everyday I can’t keep doing this. Worst of all I’ve had psychological help, I’ve been struggling with these things for several years now and I really would rather die than fail again.
Maybe you just haven’t found something that really motivates you to give your best. I’m saying this because i can really relate to what you say. My guess is that it’s not a matter of being lazy, but rather lack of motivation. Try finding something that you really like doing and most likely you’ll be able to overcome the lack of interest.
Keep in mind that most likely you’ll fail again sometime in the future… but it’s not about how many times you fail, sometimes it takes 1 success out of 1000 failures to make everything right. Everybody fails at everything, if you don’t hear about it is because rarely people brag about failures 😀 so it’s nothing to terrified of.
Mf is right. Maybe once you find something to be passionate about, life wont seem so dreary c: ?
During the time I was in university I tried out two rather different subjects. The reason why I didn’t look for anything else after the second time I failed at my second subject was because there is absolutely nothing that I can even imagine could so much as get close to getting me so enthusiastic and excited as the second subject did. And it’s not as if I found the first one boring. If I couldn’t work up enough motivation for that… There is really nothing that could possibly be easier for me to get excited about and there is no way that I’m going to dare try it again. It really is only my own failing that I take failure so hard, but after the last time I just don’t have any energy left for trying…
I did read this and am very sorry for how you are feeling. I agree with the above commenter who said that your problem may be more lack of motivation than laziness.
It’s awful to feel directionless in life and fail to see a good future for yourself, but you are still very young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Hope is not lost. Best wishes.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)