An orange rots from the inside out. The outside may be in pristine condition, but upon cutting it open you may find nothing but mold.
Maybe that’s what’s been happening to my mind. My memory has been getting worse. My desire for life is diminishing even more, if that were possible. I’m starting to care less and less about the risk and consequence of my death. On the outside, however, I am as normal as can be to most people.
Yes, to most people. Other than the person who (sadly) saved me from death during my last attempt, most people involved had put it away, thinking it as just a stage. I like it that way, when people assume I’m normal. It’s easier to gather your means of death. Why can’t people accept that for some, death is not a bad thought? Sometimes I’m not even sad when I think of it. I dream of death like one would dream of reuniting with an old friend… I think of it logically, too. But I am digressing…
I think that like the orange, I am coming to the end of my rotting. My skin is starting to show signs of blight. My math teacher noticed my poor marks. I used to be able to keep them up despite trying to die, but no longer. It’s a good thing that she, too, brushed it aside. I feel it. I’m slipping. I was talking to an old friend whom is very innocent and knew nothing of the rot I have inside of me. For just a few seconds I slipped, and she said I scared her. I told her I was joking.
Thank goodness that I built up a reputation that had made me invisible. No one has really taken notice of me sleeping in class. My workbook is filled with scribbles and encoded words, for I have become deeply paranoid. Who is watching me? I need to succeed. I mustn’t slip up.
My time perception has become greatly warped. Stretches of time pass by in moments, while those treacherous moments continue to take days. I need to find an exit soon, before I rot completely. “Better to burn out than to fade away” said Kurt Cobain.
I need something reliable. Drugs take too long. Maybe I will jump from a building soon? I cannot legally buy a gun yet, and even then they need background checks. Life has become quite the chore. I tire of my stage act, and I must flee before they find out who I truly am.
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Some terms I read above lead me to assume you may be still very young: math teacher/I cannot legally buy a gun yet/class
If my assumption is incorrect then I find this post to be very deep and I feel for you
If my assumption is true then I find this post to be very deep and I feel for you but I also beg of you to hang in there because things can change so rapidly during this period that other people might be somewhat correct in the “phase” theory. Whether they are right or wrong doesn’t matter because to say that to you directly or indirectly can kill you inside because what you feel IS real and saying that during a time of crisis for you (or any time) is to say it’s not real or a disbelief of sorts. It is like saying “you are a liar” or “I don’t believe you” (that is how I might take it). What you feel IS real – it is very real and you deserve your happiness as a person. I have no idea what you are going through but I do know that people go through different stages at all ages but between the ages of 0 and 21 especially (due to growing and maturing), and the ones centered in between and towards 21 were most confusing to me as well as life changing. I guess what I mean to say is that the things I wanted when I was 14 were not the same things I wanted when I turned 21. My life took on a gigantic change when school ended and my working life began. A big factor of my own misery I noticed are the people I associate with can make all the difference in the world to my personal happiness. I see you also mentioned background checks which leads me to believe you may be older – in college maybe. I guess it doesn’t matter much at this point to you (or me) and I am sorry for going on and on but I am new here and reading posts in my spare time and I found this one interesting enough to put in some thoughts. You get my first reply to any posts on this thread. I looked up the Kurt Cobain thing from above and found this:
“Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)” is a rock song by Neil Young. Combined with its acoustic counterpart “My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)”, it bookends Young’s successful 1979 album Rust Never Sleeps. Inspired by synthpunk group Devo, the rise of punk and what Young viewed as his own growing irrelevance, the song today crosses generations, inspiring admirers from punk to grunge and significantly revitalizing Young’s then waning career. The song is about the alternatives of continuing to produce similar music (“to rust” or – in “My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)” – “to fade away”) or to burn out.
A line from the song, “it’s better to burn out than to fade away,” became infamous after being quoted in Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. Young later said that he was so shaken that he dedicated his 1994 album Sleeps with Angels to Cobain. Because of Cobain’s suicide, in live concerts he now emphasizes the line “once you’re gone you can’t come back”
Death is not a bad thought and I believe it to be the opposite of life and whichever one you may be in you will always desire the other. That is my theory because it seems like there is no satisfaction in life along but a constant struggle to survive not to mention the suffering we might endure. Then on the other hand life can be such a wonderful thing too. I believe that life is never ending personally in that once death occurs you can be put back into the life cycle at any given time as any living organism. I know this theory suggests a soul of sorts which cannot be proven to my knowledge. I do remember being a young child and trying to remember as far back as I could which gave me a feeling of immortality because I felt as if I had lived before. I have also seen video where a low form of life was created using carbon and two or three other substances (can’t remember which substances) mixed with electricity. I like to look at at least three sides of any issue before deciding things – that is a problem of mine that can create self misery because sometimes there are only two sides. I think I might just be an idiot but these are my personal thoughts and I hope you get something positive out of it.
It is human nature to fail or fall short so shoot higher than your actual goals in life. Same goes with suicide or washing your hair – double up or rinse twice.
I hope you get what you are looking for, whatever that may be.
Peace be with you
Hello. Personally, I expected at most the standard response “Don’t give up! You’re so young, life will change! :)” which annoy me to no end. I did not expect one as in depth as yours. You are right in thinking that I am fairly young. I have spent almost half my life feeling suicidal and so I can tell you that I am quite sick of hearing that as I age it will get better. It has gotten worse, and my problem is that the desire to end my life is driving me insane.
The people that I associate with are the best I could possibly hope for. My family is loving and my significant other cherishes me deeply. My friend are nice yet have no impact on my life because we are comfortably distant. Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to die so strongly, but it’s a mystery.
I was surprised that you looked up the quote from Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. Yes, as a result of that the aspect of life was more stressed than death. It’s often that once someone dies, those affected try their best to keep others alive.
Do not be discouraged by the lack of proof that points to the existence of souls. Faith is the act of believing when no such proof exists. I have thought of the afterlife before and I must say that the one that saddens me the most is the thought of rebirth. To finally escape from life, only to be brought back to the start… Life is wonderful to some, but to me it is far outweighed by the appeal of death.
Trust me, I have tried many times to hold on and many hours thinking my decision over. I believe that people should weigh all the facts before committing to a choice. I have done this and chosen death. My only plight is that society sees death as a bad thing, and therefore in my country it is very hard to find effective means to die.
wouldnt it be easier to drop the act?
No, because then it would be much harder to get my means to die. You should always make it so that others underestimate you if you want to get your way in a pinch.
but wouldnt being true to yourself make your life more enjoyable? im personally tired of the act. these masks i have are so overrated. maybe, if u tell ppl how u really feel and who you really are you wont have to die man…? maybe? idk
I want to die. Telling others will mean that I will be forced to live.
u truly want to die?
Absolutely. As I mentioned, it’s not just when I’m sad. Even when I’m happy, I think of suicide.