goodbye

i’m drifting away from my life and i don’t fucking care that i’m drunk at 2 in the morning on a school night again because i don’t even panic about this anymore and why should i? people are more surprised if i’m at school for once than if i’m away for a week. i can’t throw up anymore because i don’t eat and if i try to vomit i just end up coughing up blood and mucus. i just want to be perfect and clean and being perfect by my own standards is all that concerns me now. it makes no sense because i’ve only got two people to be perfect for but i’m not. i’m so sorry. fuck, i love you so much. i just want peace of mind. i want to drift without any responsibilities, like a ghost, never eating or sleeping, i never want to sober up, i want to get high on dxm under the streetlights alone on a summer night and just rewind that moment over and over again until i feel like i’ve lived.  i feel so filthy right now but it’s okay. it’s all okay because my life as a ghost begins now. i’m going to drift through the next days ahead of me without worry because they are my last, i am going to feel pure, i’m going to smile and make amends, i’m going to get higher than i’ve ever been, i’m going to love my darling with all my heart and more, every day because he is my everything and i’m going to kiss him goodbye like it’s the end of the world every single night until it really is the last time and after i close the door i faint in the stairway of his apartment building and wither away.