I don’t have the time

I am 20, almost 21. I have attempted suicide 7 times in my life, from the time I was 7 on. I don’t like human instinct, my body seems to find the right way to stop me from dying or someone that I love shows up and stops. I am supposed to be a business owner for a company my boyfriend wanted to start, but everything is in my name and whenever something he does goes wrong he blames me and lashes out verbally at me. I have tried a bag and belt over my head, sleeping pills, antidepressants, anti anxiety. . . but it seems when I am ready to go through with something I think about what I have to get done the next day and feel like if I died he wouldn’t be able to tell his ass from a hole in the ground. I  hate my life, I hate who I am with but I am stuck because I have so much invested into him that if I left it would have all been for nothing. to top that all off, the man I am with is significantly older than i am and thinks that I should somehow know everything there is to know about anything, including sex, so he wants me to have sex with other men with him watching and do all these crazy things, and I didn’t want to. I did it anyway and hated everything about it, except how it made me feel physically. He brings it up all the time and makes me feel like everything I do, even if it’s what he wanted, is wrong and that I should just stop trying to impress him because it’s not going to happen. Im taking care of my aunt and her roommate, both have epilepsy, both have some sort of mental disorder. I have a truck, but he took it from me and says that I don’t need a vehicle. I have lost everything, including my family because of him and he doesn’t see that. I pay his rent, his utilities, his food, everything. but I can’t help myself because I don’t want to. I want to be miserable and die. I don’t care if I have family that cares or people that care about me. I don’t care how they feel, it doesn’t help me in anyway, shape or form. they don’t have to live inside my head. It’s selfish of them to try and keep someone who is unhappy with their life only to keep them from feeling some pain when we pass on. Its depressing, I know, but it’s true. People say that if you commit suicide you are selfish, when in reality, we can’t do it anymore, we can’t continue to feel stuck trying to make everyone happy while we are in misery and no one notices and if they do they don’t care to find out why.