I hate myself and I think I have a lot of psychological problems. I think I am really pathetic. My parents got divorced when I was 7. Lived with my dad after that, but I wish I had stuck with my mom like my sister did. I only saw my mom once or twice after that before she died when I was 10. I have never had a female figure in my life. Whenever girls are kind to me, I confuse it for love only to find out that I am being retarded and stupid. I feel so pathetic whenever this happens, I wish people would just keep their distance from me. I feel pathetic and loathe myself because of how pathetic I am. I always think I just need a girlfriend and I will get better, but just thinking this makes me feel pathetic to the core. I have anger issues which I am pretty sure I picked up from my dad. He was a very hot temper and he doesn’t try much to hide it. Sometimes I would over think situations and become blinded with rage, which is really retarded. I have social anxiety and low self-esteem. I wish I was brave enough to kill myself but I am really scared. I think there is part of me that wants to believe in a possible way out of this. I really want to die and end my misery. During my last job, my depression was so severe. I had worked there 4 years and I reached a point where I was so depressed that I stopped showing up to work without saying a word. I feel like im dragging myself on the floor just to get by everyday. I don’t want to do the same with this job but I’m having trouble once again. I thought I got through the low points in my life and I thought I got through my bad depression just to find myself here once again. I wish I was brave enough to just die. Honestly, I probably could just jump off without thinking because thats how I get through my day everyday but I can’t do that to my sister. She is the only one I got. I really hate her for being so nice to me when i’ve done jack shit for her. I can’t leave her with my fuck up dad, but then again I feel like a fuck up too, so whats the difference. I get really bad anxiety sometimes and I just want to rip my hair and skin off. I’m scared to continue but I scared to end it as well.
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Try green tea and google ‘what is strength’ and read 3 different articles.
become a chauvinist pig like me
If you haven’t looked for help (a therapist or psychologist) i would suggest you do so, because many of the issues you mention do sound like some talk and orientation (maybe meds) might help. As for your dad/mom situation, there’s always two sides to it, i was in your situation when i was younger and instead lived with my mom, and there’s a whole lot of issues that can happen in that case (lack of either parent can create issues).
I don’t think believing a girlfriend might solve your problems is that uncommon tho. Heard it many times along the years from several types of people (and believed it myself for a while). It’s different for everyone, but usually having a gf help with some things, complicates others, but is not the ultimate answer. Good luck.
Please listen- all of this I could have written with just a few adjustments with how things went in my growing up years. It was not your fault. Your parents couldn’t be there for you, so you child mind sifted through what it knew trying to make sense. When you could not, you (your mind)made up it’s own rules for what was happening. Which got you/ gets you in trouble.
You followed family role models that were not good but got you through. Now, your reactions are from that time and you face the same negative feelings from your past AND your present. Double whammy, so to speak!!
Know this- you are a smart (how would you have gotten through otherwise?), kind (thinking of your sister) and loving (loving your sister) person.
You can find your way out. Your awareness is your way out. Learn about yourself. Stretch your mind to allow new perspectives and new ways to help yourself. You CAN do it!
You are not alone! I could go on and on about this. I’ll come back later to share more. 🙂 Take great care of YOU.
P.S… I wanted to add that… be patient with yourself. I know that feeling when the job seems too much. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Find strategies that get you through the day… plan a treat you love to eat before work or take time off if you can. Reward yourself for doing your best at work. It can be hard but keep trying.
i must be retarded too then cause i make similar mistakes- the anger thing will def scare off any future lady loves but with your mom not here (so sad, sorry) and everything else with your dad it seems like your entitled to be pissed- that’s part of the whole grieving process and the fact that you are aware of your anger means you haven’t completely given in to it- give yourself credit where credit is due.
you’re sister loves you for a reason, sadly, it is something you cannot see for yourself, but trust that she sees something in you worth loving and hey, I have a sister that fucking makes me insane sometimes but she is all i have too and its kinda our job to protect our younger siblings
i know its hard, i talk about myself the same as you but cut yourself a break sometimes- you’re doing the best you can – as we all are
yep, that sums me up pretty well. still waiting for something to change what i am and who i am, but it doesn’t seem to be coming along. maybe it will, for the both of us. maybe not. it is what it is.