Monster

I don’t want to be alive anymore.. I can’t stand feeling like I mean nothing to anyone, can’t bear the weight of meaning nothing to myself.. I can’t stop thinking about what it will feel like to be dead.. I don’t think anyone would miss me..

I have a boyfriend, but he makes me feel so insignificant, so inadequate.. I know he loves me, but I feel so worthless, and it’s only a matter of time until he sees that too.. And he leaves me too.. Dear reader, I love him, and he doesn’t say or do anything to make me feel that way, but he’s so good.. I feel every ounce of guilt for not measuring up like he does..

My family loves me, even though I can be horrible to them.. They make me feel inadequate as well.. I wish I could be as good to them as they are to me..

I want to stop feeling like this, I want to stop being such a selfish monster, but no one is seeing this except me.. They’re blind to my faults.. Being disowned would be easier than them saying they love me after I screw something up..

Dear reader, my biggest screwup in the last three weeks was every single damned night when I cut, then I promised myself I would stop for them, then cutting again the next night..

I’m so tired of feeling like this.. Hating myself, hating how I feel.. I’m not asking for you to try to save me, dear reader.. I’m just asking you to hear me, to see this monster that no one else can.. To admit, not even to my face, but even to yourself, that I’m a selfish, horrible person..