This is SP theme song : dear agony by breaking ben
I’m trying so hard and doing everything within my means to be a functional adult but I feel like the façade is wearing thin. I might snap and jump off bridge. Oh dear sweet Jesus I’m about to fall to pieces. Why do I have to go through this?
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she’s blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, ” now that you can see the world, will you marry me ? ” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying, ” Just take care of my eyes dear, I Love You. ”
Hello All –
Sorry I’ve been away for a while.
I just have been dealing with the recent loss of a truly dear friend and member of one of the groups I volunteer at.
She is deeply and terribly missed by all of us left behind and not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about her. “If only…” thoughts plague my mind and tug down my heart, and as much as I understand that she is now free, that she’s now relieved of all her problems, DAMN IT THIS HURTS SO MUCH..!!!
I don’t know if to think she was too young to give up, or too brave for her age to have decided about her life…
Here’s to you “Mi Chiquita” (My Tiny One”)…
Hi my dear friends… i love to talk about happy things sometimes.. If any of my pals want to join me..
bigticketman33@ gmail . com
To my future husband, I haven’t met you yet, and I probably never will. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong enough to have waited in this world for you. I’m sorry I killed our great love affair before it was even conceived.
To my unborn child/children, I’m sorry I’ll never get to bring you into this world, I’m sorry I’ll never get the opportunity to leave a part of myself to the next generation. Oh my dear babies I’m sorry I was too much of a mess that meant motherhood would always elude me.
To my future, I’m sorry the present destroyed my desire to see you, but I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
A few days ago I got an awful call… My best friend called me to tell me one of our good friends committed suicide. I literally broke down. I know what its like to be at the brink and feel so damn lonely but i just couldnt believe he was gone. He talked a few years ago about him planning to hang himself one night at school and one of his roommates walked in before he had the chance to actually go through with it, and they talked and he decided he wasnt ready…. i wish someone walked him on him this time. if i only couldve sent him a message telling him how much i loved him… his death has opened my eyes. i dont think i would ever end my life knowing how many people would be hurting because of my decision. even people i wouldnt have expected it to effect it would. This man is the most genuine, kind heart and all around cool guy ive ever met. he brought so much sunshine when he entered a room and it just really hurts my heart how much pain he mustve been in…. Tell everyone you care about how much they mean to you and AlWAYS look through that a fake smile. if i could talk to him rn I would sit him down give him a huggggeeee hug maybe slap him and tell him how much loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he had here and that i understand sometimes life gets to much so i dont blame him for wanting it to end. I know ill see him soon . hopefully our souls will find eachother in another dimension. Love you always fredward <3
– “The World is a douche-bag, for fuck sake someone add the vinegar and iodine to it already and give it a good flush. We could all do with a bit of good cleaning, hmm!
Get rid of some of that foul smelling bacteria that lingers on a regular basis.”
Words of a dear old friend. She couldn’t have been more precise.
(….all of the words I wish I could say….)
I know you will never see this, however, I have to get this off my chest. I can pretend for a little while, at least for a fleeting moment, that you’ll see this note and your sea blue eyes will look on my words. I can dream, anyway– even if I have not slept for two days, I can day dream that you will read this. I can pretend you’re here, and that this nightmare that has become life never began.
This nightmare used to be a story of friendship and love, but it is now something much darker that I don’t understand. I wish I could wake up from this and know that you’re okay and that you never did this… But I know that my wishes can’t come true. I could wish on a thousand stars, and it will never come true. I could pray to a god, if I believed in God, and he wouldn’t answer me or make it better. There is no way to fix what you have done, and therefore, have left me no choice but to push on through and see this to the end, whether you are sentenced to death or not. Regardless, due to the Creed I live by, I won’t leave your side, even though we’re thousands of miles away. I can’t just leave you man.
When I first came across you, you were afraid of me. Why? Because you thought I would never love you. This was 8th grade. Ah, such an innocent year! I had my first love that year, remember? I hope you do, unless the drugs have eaten your brain that much. You should remember because I threw ant-ridden Mountain Dew at your face when you made fun of me for crying over the boy I loved. You should remember.
I actually regret that. I know now that I am stronger than that, and you saw that in me, and that’s why you said the things you said about it. Because you knew I was better than that than to cry over some boy. I had told you previously about my shitty childhood. About how a boy molested me when I was the ages 4-6. I told you through a letter, I still have that letter. And you listened to me.
…. I find myself continuously weeping over what has happened. I am crying now, as I type this, because the memories are so bittersweet. You loved me so much, and I will never understand why or how you managed to murder a 16 year old boy, when you had so much love in your heart. Drugs changed you, I guess… And it hurts to know this.
I remember how you held me when you told me your mother had passed from the cancer. You told me she felt better now, and that I shouldn’t be sad because she feels better. And I remember how we sat under the stars and spoke of life and what would come. I told you I would be a hair dresser….
Well, I am 20 and have no job. I graduated beauty school, but the light died when you shot that kid in the back of the neck execution style. I don’t feel like doing a fucking thing except crawl into bed and sleep forever. But I can’t even sleep, it’s 5:57am right now and I have not slept. It feels like a lifetime since I have slept. I have not slept since I found out about what you have done. I don’t know if I will ever find solace ever again. You told me you’d be in the Army, and well, you’ve done it. But not in the right way, I suppose… You should’ve mourned for your mom, dear. And I think you understand why I told you you should go and have a good cry or something. You should understand now, as you sit in a cold cell, why I said you need to feel more and shove your feelings away a little less. You need to feel sometimes, even if it is pain, to know that you are alive and human, otherwise you will become empty and do something rash to fill up that void. And it seems to be that’s what you’ve done, friend. You went off and killed a teen in the desert to fill up that void. And yes, I do blame myself.
As someone who was your only ‘family’ left, even though my mom and I are not related to you, we are hurt and I blame myself. Maybe if I would’ve told you I loved you or need you more, you wouldn’t have done this. I know this is completely irrational, since you’re a man and you make your own decisions, but I feel like I should’ve kept you closer and held you just a little tighter and told you I needed you more often. But I didn’t. ‘Should’ve’, ‘could’ve’, and ‘would’ve’ won’t bring back the boy I knew and loved. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Apologies won’t bring that 16 year old back either. ‘Sorry’ won’t fix anything. ‘Sorry’ will not thaw the ice on that family’s heart. I could apologize until I was blue in the face or until my hands gave out, but it will not change anything. I could give myself lashings for the rest of my life, and it would not change a damn thing, because the boy that I know, his heart has died, and so has that poor boy.
When did your heart die? When did you decide to lose hope? I would love to know, but this isn’t a Hallmark film, where at the end I know the answer and get my closure and you are still the same person you were before, but with a mark on your spirit, this is real life, where people die, girls get raped, murderers get away with crime, and dirty politicians will win over the working class. This is a life where, most likely, I will never know your fate because I am too far away and the jail doesn’t realize that I am the only sense of ‘family’ you have left, even though we’re not blood related, and will refuse to let me talk to you. They couldn’t give a shit less about me probably. You’re so drugged out probably that you forgot to tell them, or afraid to face me. In real life, it is when shit like this happens and the good people don’t win, Evil over comes, and fate screws us all over. That is fate. That is real life. I will probably never see you again. I will never be able to tell you that I love you and that, yes, you do matter to me.
I’m not even mad at you. If anything I just cry over the fact that you used to be so kind…. What happened to you? Was it that terrible influence other people seem to cause, or was it the drugs or really was it all just a face you put on to me, for all of those years? I read over those letters you wrote to me from basic. I have wept a thousand times; the memories are so nice but they hurt. God they hurt so much. Anything I do reminds me of you. I don’t know if I’ll be able to really live after this. It will be a half-life… I know that for sure.
But I don’t want this too be too long, God knows you hate to read. I can still pretend you’re here though and that everything is okay and that you’ll read this, and that this is a nightmare that I will wake up from. I can pretend… Right?
I am gonna leave SP pretty soon. Somehow this site triggers my sadness.
If anyone wants to talk via email, id love to.
Be happy, to anyone and everyone who reads this. You will have realised by now that life moves pretty fast, and its to short to be sad over something. I use sad a s a generic word for anxiety, depression etc.
This site has provided me a lot of support when no one near and dear to me understood why i cut.
“So what if you get depressed? everyone gets depressed you know. Don’t be so over dramatic”. Well, F*ck you. Don’t take depression too lightly my dear. It is one of a fucking hell. You think this is easy? NO IT’S NOT *****. You think getting depressed is normal? you think it’s just like “oh I’m sad.” then later “Oh I’m happy” ? NO IT’S NOT. You don’t know anything. You think I’m stupid for being dramatic? You think this is dumb? Wow. Just wow. I want to kill you by just saying that. Depression is savage af. Depression is hell and you can’t escape from it…
You want me to be the best that I could be
When you never showed me the very best that you could be.
From the bottom of my heart,
I see a man I wanna be but couldn’t be.
You are nothing like me.
I know you’re watching me watch you fail.
I can see the look in your eyes, you’re getting pale.
Please lose your blues or know that I don’t give a fuck, I could live without you.
Please lose your blues.
Time and time again I wanted to tell you I love you,
I forgive you, but I can’t hold you.
Oh god what have I done?
The hero I had; I learned he’s just a man all from a selfish plan.
You’ll never know but when I left her I only wanted to flee
From the pain and the struggling.
I didn’t care about your situation or your patience.
I never meant to make it worse for you, I’m sorry.
I know you’re watching me watch you fail.
I can see the look in your eyes, you’re getting pale.
Please lose your blues or know that I don’t give a fuck, I could live without you.
49 yo and want to end my miserable existence. I just can’t cope anymore with this depression, and Ptsd. It has eaten me alive and destroyed any hope that I had. I have everything planed out, and with urges getting stronger every day, I don’t think it will be to long before I follow through. It breaks my heart knowing the pain I will cause those near and dear to me, but alive I am hurting them just as much if not more.
Darkness, my friend
Breathless, and tired has become a regular feeling, the darkness taking over the light within. Shadows of my past, the skeletons in my closet and the words that left scars, over flow, leaving me grasping for help. Unable to move, to face the day, I lay there in quiet, letting the shadow take all my goodness and innocence and leave me empty and hollow. Rushing through my days in a haze, forcing a smile onto my exhausted face so that no one can see that I’m falling. Smiling, laughing and hiding, leaves me feeling weak and small, I am just gliding through life hoping one day it will get better. Praying that I can repairs my broken pieces, because who wants to love a girl who’s broken with scars. I’m supposed to be the strong one, the one who gives a helping hand, the shoulder to cry on or the friend that just listens. Buts who’s going to be strong for me? Who will hold my hand while I cry and tell me it’s going to be okay? The questions I repeat in my mind each second, of each day. Darkness has become my friend, has become my friend that reminds me daily that I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough and not worth while. My dear friend whispers this in my ears every moment, while my friend tries to rip me apart limb by limb. The lesson I learned at a young age was, it is better to be a fool, to not have your eyes open to how cruel and cold this world is, I wish I could just be a fool. Instead I have darkness and hopelessness keeping me company at night, tears to keep me warm and doubt to get me through my days. Again, who’s going to be strong for me? Who is going to protect me from myself?
An adventure in a really strange land full of happy towns and dark valleys. Once you get off your village there is no way back and you must keep walking and walking until you have your feet in blood. If you get lost, oh dear, that is your end. The demons that live in the darkest valleys will follow you day after day, night after night, and at the most small sign of weakness they will eat you alive. You can truly believe that they are not real and they are not following you, but they are. They are so real like you. And once they start following you they will follow you until the end of time. Searching every bit of you, looking for every mistake you ever did and whispering them at you one billion times until you start screaming and crying. Oh dear, for some this is an amazing adventure, for others, it is the hell on earth. And there is no way back.
If I can’t post this video say to me and I will remove it.
I remember back when I was 19 years old, there was this big “civil rights controversy” that started in Florida where a Muslim woman wanted to have her drivers ID taken while fully covered in a burka, which covered every part of her face accept for her eyes. The far left jumped right on it, and bleed for her. Also Muslims are allowed to pray 5 times a day at work. These are not equal rights, these are special rights given to people who are religiously delusional. I don’t discriminate since I’m an atheist. These are not real rights!
i know someone near and dear to my heart that has severe weight problems because of lymphedema. She has to go to the doctor though she can barley walk. When she enteres the doctors office, all the chairs are small with arms. No accommodation for her! Same with airplanes. No accommodations for people who need two seats unless you have to pay extra (which is discrimination).
society is so lopsided in what really matters!
a poor person still has to pay rent, but a megachurch with people who preach hate, intolerance and trick desperate people into giving them money so they can afford another private jet? TAX EXEMPTION!
so what the fuck is going on?
I tried to help a friend – a dear dear friend
It backfired – he hates me
I have nothing nothing left
I am leaving tonight – probably in a few minutes
They may not find me – hopefully not
My kids deserved better
My friend deserved better
I am sorry God
And the world is no more worse off than when I entered
Now I leave no more breathing, no more tears
nobody will see this note nobody sw my last one and nobody cared if they did see it. i thought this would be a great place to prewrite my letter to my mom it has to be perfect because what i did is not her fault. she did everything she could.
mom i love you with all my heart
i was just an average girl happy and cheerful. i began to get older and saw things are cold. life isnt what it seems to be. i said i was alright. i told many small white lies about that. i think im depressed but didnt want to be a bother. i have no friends at school. most cuts i could say was the cat. you are not the one to blame its the world. im weak im sorry. this world is just not my place. im just a waste of space. i think i was born in the wrong place in time. i will watch over you. keep an eye on mariah im scared she is headed to same place as me. remember you ment everything to me. i love you mom
“Hold on little girl
Show me what he’s done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can’t be that bad
When it’s through, it’s through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on dear come on over
Let me be the one to show you.”