Do you ever just stop and think that maybe you are being too selfish? Then you turn around and realize that you know nothing about yourself because you let your acts towards others define who you think you are? I was asked today, by a wonderful friend of mine, what I wanted to do with my life. Where I wanted to go to college, and what career path that I wanted to take. I answered the college because that has been a map of mine that I have followed for a couple of years, but I cannot for the life of me, think about what I want to do with my life. I don’t even know what I enjoy doing anymore. I think about it all the time, but there are never things worth doing. I like sleep, food, and writing. I don’t think that I can get a job with those skills.
Speaking of skills; I don’t even have those! I am not good at things. I am good at talking and pretty much getting what I want via debate, but there isn’t anything to put those to use except for being a politician, and my grades are not good enough from that. My parents constantly tell me that if I don’t have a plan, then I will get nowhere with anything. I don’t doubt them at this point, but saying that I will become a prostitute stung out on drugs in the middle of the ghetto was a little far, even for me, and I hear some terrible insults hurled my way. I am not unattractive, I am not stupid, and I am not easily hurt.. but lately, the cutting is getting deeper, and the writing becoming less and less.. and darker and darker.
This is what I have become.. put simply; I have become the ghost of myself. I have become an afterthought that isn’t thought about. I have invested all of my time into making other people happy, and when I come to the conclusion that I need to be selfish, I hurt everyone that I love. I am fighting for everything back, and it isn’t working. My school isn’t suffering, my work isn’t suffering, and my parents see nothing different with how I act, so maybe this is all in my head. My point of all of this, though is that I have spent all of my time, effort, and energy into being someone else’s happiness, and I barely thought of mine.. Now I am suffering the consequences, because I took it too far. Way too far, and I can’t bring myself back to the main road.
3 comments
You should be a self employed food critic. That combines your three favourite things.
If someone told you you were going to die tomorrow, would you be ready? If not, you’re not truly suicidal. Spend some time alone figuring out who you are, what you love, and if there’s anything you want out of life.
Lots of people don’t know what they want to do with their life before entering college, that’s why you see so many of them changing careers or just studying something they can do that will give them money in order to do what they like (some can do that, some hate it).
There’s several things you could study if your love is sleep, food and writing (not just a self employed food critic, haha), but i’d take Ryder’s advice and take some time trying to find out more about yourself. Not many people do that before entering college (they just follow a plan) and end up wishing they would have think things a little more (i’m one of those).