Confessions to an Old Friend

“But sometimes, I can see myself sinking so far down. Getting so desperate for some sort of tangible stability or peace. I can see myself getting a gun and swallowing the barrel.. I can’t See myself ever pulling the trigger, but I can almost hear the defining silence that comes after the blast. And I just wonder. Is there anything after this? If so, could it be better? I just want to be stable. I want to be okay. I can picture this landscape. Tall grass and a weeping willow in the middle of the field. Mountains are barely visible against the cool summer sky. There’s a light breeze and I can smell the fresh air if I think about it enough. I’m just standing there in that same white Sun dress that I’ve always pictured. I’m so content. So happy. Is that what heaven would be like? How do I find that place?”