Failed

I took the biggest leap in attempting to exit last night and it failed… obviously. So many things could have gone wrong or the helium wasn’t as pure as I was led to believe, but once I put the bag on, I was so sure I’d be a goner. Two days prior and I failed hanging myself nearly 30 different times/positions. I am in a state of regrouping as I will try until success… I can almost see my last resort being to fully hang myself (full suspension bs my failed partial suspension) but not until I try once more with the helium… and not the exit bag way, but if I can get myself to pass out, then I’ll be confident that passing out with the rope around my neck will complete the job just as painlessly as letting the helium finish me off. The problem might be if the helium isn’t pure, then I might not pass out like I expect to. So perhaps I start with hyperventilating into a plastic bag, then switch to a bag with helium… breathing in through my mouth and exhaling (outside the bag) through my nose. I could do this with my head below my heart, then lift it up really quick. I don’t know if this will work, but in my mind it has to.

Listen to how pathetically desperate I am? How did my life come to this? I hate how bad I want to die but it’s literally the only thing I can think about. I spent over a decade with ideation, one serious plan that wasn’t attempted, then my older brother took his life a month later. A couple years later and my life is awesome, then 2 months later it all goes to hell… and I mean hell. So I am absolutely convinced that this world doesn’t want me in it or that I’m not meant for it. I was so at peace with this notion when I pulled the bag over my head and still am. Just get me out of here already!