I just turned 23 years old and im a Girl. and i have suicidal thoughts on and off for years. I believe it started in high school. It all began from my dad. He wis an alcoholic and bi polar and did steroids and a manic depressant etc. He didnt take his medicine for bi polar. My nightmare Of a life began in middle but it got really bad when i was about 15. He would get drunk and go in my room and lock me in there with him while he would get in my face, lay on top of me, throw me on the bed and cuss me out over completely nothing for No reason. I would cry and cry and not say.nothing until he would want me to answer him and i would say “okay” then hed flip out on me just for saying okay. He would put his fist back and grind on his teeth as if he was going to punch me, mind u he is huge where everyone was scared of him and im some small young girl. And It felt like he did this so often that it.seemed to happen every night. When my mom was home when this happened shed literally try to kick the door in or fight him to open the door and shed scream at him for doing that to me and my dad would scream to me and literally applaud, “good job! U made us fight. again!” When i was 18 i called the cops on him cause he was on a drunken rage all day and i haave a sibling who was only a baby at the time and another who was only 14. Right after my mom finally left him after all those years of him only abusing me. He told everyone in his. family that it was my fault they divirced. When i was 18 i took dad to court and got a CPO (criminal protection order). He has slashed my tire and chased me and followed me in his car. He has told people if he sees me he’ll “slap that *****”. A year ago he beat my brother up so bad that my brother had to.go.to the hospital and he had a concussion and had to get stitches on his face hand arm etc.
Me and my.mom butt heads a lot and she has also said really mean things to.me in the past. She has pushed me out of the house when i was 18 aandmade me fall on the porch and she got.on top of me and was squeezing my face viting her teeth and still to this day im not over her doing that to me after she knows everything dads done To.me.
I have been in a relationship on and off for about 9 years and ive done some bad things he doesnt know about.
I dont talk to anyone in my family in the state i live but the ones i do talk to. moved to another state about a year ago so i feel really lonely. The only family that lives in the same state is mydad and his ffamily that all are crazy so i dont speak to them.
Couole years ago one of my bestfriends made a fake fb saying how nuch of a whore i a. And was using a app or something to text me anonymously harrassing me so i had to chabge my nunber. And everyone it couldve been was close friends of mine and i had to block them all not knowing who to trust and they all wanted to be my friends so the person obv didnt want me to know who they were.
So long story shirt im reallylonely. I feel like no one loves me and cares about me except for.my boyfriend qho seriously is so perfect and sweet and out of everyone, i have treated him horribly. Its been years but i just feel like maybe im a horrible person. And that maybe people who i thought that loved me will realize how badly they treated me if i died. And sometimes i think life is too hard and it would be easier if.i weren’t alive.
4 comments
I am so sorry about all that… made me tear up. thats horrible. im here for you. like my heart goes out to you. you’re gonna be okay. <3 lots of love
Hi BD3, well reading about your life just puts things in perspective for me and how bad other people have it. Firstly you’re not to blame for your psycho-dad’s behavior. I don’t know if he sexually abused you but I’d be surprised (and relieved) if he didn’t. What a scumbag of a man.
Well sadly it seems you live in a very violent community-if I were you, I’d do everything I could to get away from those people. If your bf is really nice, then he might be a keeper, you might not want to lose him.
There’s a girl I love who has suffered through a bad family situation as well, sometimes she can be pretty mean and annoying but I know it all comes from her bad family experience. I think she’s lucky to have me in her life since I still care for her despite her problems and am helping her become better-and she can also be really sweet and awesome when she’s not angry about her past.
All of us here bring some very tragic stories and experiences-however I do believe we can overcome the past and live better, happier lives. But the key is to make changes and to think deeply about our problems. I thought I figured out my issues with the girl I mentioned, but as I thought more about it, the more I understood our situation and how to resolve issues.
Best of luck to you.
Thank u for ur feedback. Majority of the time.im fine but i have my moments i feel so.lonely and unhappy and i get really depressed. I was really worried about the feedback id get. Ive never been really physically abused and he never touched me sexually or anything but i use to be scared what if he would When i was younger and around him. He now dates someone and has a baby with someone only 3 years older than me and im his oldest.
I would love to talk to.someone whos been in the same situations as me and and/or other people with suicidal thoughts so i can ever relate to.anyone
I know how you feel. I just joined this site. I didnt put my whole story out there just the worst. My dad beat me as a child, sometimes he still gets angry and acts like hes intimidating. I was 13 and cps was called becuase i was black and blue with mens fist marks all over under my clothes. I think having it tough makes us stronger. Im sorry you feel alone, you shouldn’t.