Mother Abandonment

Hello. My name is Amber and I am 19 years young. This is my story.

I lay here awake. Awake at all hours of the day and night. I have no responsibilities, no job, no school. Sounds ideal right? But nothing close. I feel like an empty human figure, wasting away within my four room walls. Curtains hanging over the windows allowing minimum light to catch my skin.

I have no friends. I have little family. The family that I do have like my grama, my aunt, and sister would all be devastated. I can’t speak for my mother or father though. My parents divorced when I was about 3. My mom moved me and my sister to NJ with her parents (my grandparents) at age 6. I never spoke to my dad again until the age of 13. He was too busy emptying beer cans and getting high off of crystal meth. My whole life with my mother though has been a living hell that only some people experience. In stores I see daughters with their mothers, so loving and happy. I close my eyes and pretend in that moment my mother was like that too. I don’t know that warm feeling you get when your mother embraces you. I never have. I yearn for that feeling. She had me and my sister when she was 19, and 21. She still had all those years to grow up. The years where I was learning the most as an infant she was too busy partying, doing things she would be doing if she didn’t have children. Now, she’s just a miserable drunk who has nothing to hold up and say I worked my ass off for this.

Both my parents are jokes.

My sister left me here in NJ to go back to my home state when she turned 21. All alone to rot away in my room. Door shut closed, sunlight out, and my head in my hands asking myself where I went wrong. I see all these other people my age living lives I could never imagine. I never had a chance in the first place though with a young single mother living in middle if not lower class. I was doomed from the first time my skin felt the fresh air outdoors. I needed a guide, a role model….a mother. A mother who didn’t/wouldn’t choose a man over her children. A mother who gave anything and everything up to make her children happy. A mother who nurtured her children like a woman should have. I was abandoned by the get go. Fuck my mom. Fuck my worthless deadbeat dad.

I look at my best friend who’s my cat. I see him breathing while he sleeps and it sends my heart to my stomach. Thinking about him sleeping on my bed without me here anymore…it breaks my heart. But he would be the thing I missed the most. The one who has always been here to climb on my lap when I’m in tears or bunt my head and making me feel loved.

I feel so weak. So numb. Like a battery on its last limb. I wish I could have had the childhood like every other normal kid. I’ve never felt important or worth more than a cent or a second of someone’s time. Someone like myself wouldn’t be a tragic lost to society.

P.S. You’re welcome normal humans of society.