My Story

I apologize for the lengthiness of this in advance. Just kind of the story of my life starting from 7th grade to now. No need to read it if you don’t want to.

I’m only 15. I’m currently a freshman in high school, and I’ve been battling depression since around seventh grade.

Before you ask: no, I’m not diagnosed, but I’m positive I’m depressed. I’m perfectly aware of all of the symptoms associated with depression, most of which I have.

Anyway, the symptoms started appearing sometime around sixth grade, but not enough so that I was truly depressed. My grandfather had died the year before, and I didn’t really have any close friends that year to talk  to about it so my feelings were kept mostly to myself.

It was seventh grade when I really started feeling down. That year I broke my hip, so I was forced to stop gymnastics until it healed properly. At the same time, I made it to the top 15 in my school’s singing competition. Unfortunately, I was still on crutches when the final round started, and I had to perform on a stool on the stage. This caused a lot of anxiety, and I didn’t sound that great. People started bullying me because I sounded so bad and because I was temporarily “crippled.”

Music/singing and gymnastics were (and still are) two huge parts of my life, so these events resulted in a huge blow to my self-esteem.

Right when my hip healed and I was back to gymnastics I managed to break my toe so badly I was in a cast, resulting in even less time I was able to do gymnastics.

That summer my younger brother had a seizure. I was in the room with him when it happened, but I didn’t notice due to the fact that he was still able to walk, he just couldn’t control about half of his body. Most people wouldve thought it was a stroke. Thankfully, he was able to walk to the opposite side of the house where my dad was. He had stayed home sick that day.

My brother had a seizure because of a benine tumor on his brain. He went in for surgery the day after his 9th birthday. Everything went well, and he’s doing very well now which I can’t be more thankful for. At that time though, I was still lacking very close, supportive friends, so it was very tough to get through.

Just after that, we found out my hip didn’t heal properly, and I was taken out of gymnastics again. By this point it was the start of the eighth grade. I was on crutches for the third time, and I was voted biggest klutz. To clarify: I’m not that klutzy. The bones I broke were from gymnastics and it not healing properly was only because it’s very difficult to treat. Anyway, people were making fun of me again because of my “klutziness.” I was already upset though because it was at this point that I began developing chronic migraines. My dad told me this would be my last year of gymnastics. He pulled me out just this June.

So my only escape became music. Once again, I was voted into the top 15. The only difference was that this time, I was an alternate. The teachers are always judges. Apparently they made me an alternate because they remembered my performance from last year, despite the fact that they said previous years didn’t count for anything. I know this is true because a teacher literally told me why I was an alternate.

So being an alternate meant that I would still be able to perform, but it wouldn’t count for anything unless one of the actual contestants didn’t show up. The judges left during my performance. The only people really paying attention were a few of my teachers, my parents, and my friends. It was pretty disappointing.

So that brings me to freshman year. We’re nearing the end. I’ve met a few good friends. A lot of my old ones have since moved on now that I’m going to a new school. Even the ones that are in the same school have also since moved on. My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s this year, and is struggling to remember me and the rest of my family. My friends are no help at all with this. This is also the first year Ive ever had a C on my report card and my mother is not happy about that.

i don’t know what it is but this year I feel as though I’ve been more depressed than ever. My self harming (which started somewhere in either seventh or eighth grade, possibly the summer between) has gotten worse. I’ve never thought about suicide this much. I don’t know why.