Good morning – I have been lurking for a couple of months and decided to come out into daylight today (blink blink). Things are not going great for me right now and I thought talking about it might help me figure out what I’m doing.
I am a 46 year old professional female (too old to be feeling this way?) and have been pretty lucky in my life, work-wise. The rest of my life is and has always been kind of a disaster. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and refractory depression. Fits. Growing up, I was sexually abused from the time I was about 9 until I was 16. I lost my virginity and got my first STD thanks to my grandfather. But really, for awhile, I did okay. I put that crap in a shoebox and tucked it away in the top corner of my closet. Went to school, became a professional and worked. Got married, had 2 boys and then divorced. Met a man who I was crazy about – we had SO much fun together – but he had lots of problems. He had kind of been living with me and one day he left work early, came to the house and said he needed to run to his place. We weren’t fighting and he did this from time to time, to take care of things there. But what was weird was that he packed all of his things up (worrisome) and just before he left, he said to me, ‘You will never know how much I have loved you.’ (even more worrisome). That night about 10pm, he called, despondent – nothing I could say made a difference – and he shot himself while we were on the phone. I don’t know what I thought – I wasn’t thinking (obviously), but I called a friend to babysit and went there. I found him, dead, with a gunshot through his heart. Although I wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral (family only), his family was good to me. But every day since then I have missed him.
Lots of things have happened since then. I try so hard to be a good and kind person – but feel like people just run over me. Take advantage of me. I don’t have luck in my personal relationships (married after my friend passed, and divorced again. This guy was bad news and continues to fuck with me to this day) and I’ll confess, all I’ve ever really wanted was a family. It’s like people that I know just want me for what I can do for them or give to them.
I really want this life to be over. I have prayed day in and day out for my life to end. Spare a child from a horrible disease – give it to me. It’s embarrassing, but I’m just too scared to commit suicide. I live far away from my family and I don’t want my boys to have to find me and deal with it. I’ve been a cutter (again! too old for this!) for many years.
Don’t know. I want to be tough, I want to be happy, but it eludes me. Sleep is the only thing that I enjoy.
Thanks for listening. Wish the best for you all.
6 comments
I’m so sorry Chrissyjo. What your friend did must have deeply traumatised you. I admire you for having made a success of your professional life given the awful abuse you endured as a child…and you’ve got your boys. That shows a lot of strength of character. You don’t deserve the rotten breaks you’ve had in life. Anyway just wanted to let you know I read and was very touched by your story, even though I can’t really presume to give any advice as I am very messed up myself.
Thanks for your kind words, Louise52 – they were needed today – if you ever need to talk, I hope you will look for me.
I too wish I could give you some advice (I’m not at a good place in my life right now either), but I do have to say I admire that you’ve gone through so much and still managed to become a professional and grow in that aspect of your life. All I can say is that if you got through school and everything while having such a rough beginning to life, you can get through anything! Also, I understand your apprehension to actually commit suicide….I don’t want my family to have to go through that trauma either. I think you’ll find a lot of people on this site will relate to various aspects of your life, and I want to say welcome to the “daylight”!!
I just watched this documentary that went out the other day on British TV. Don’t know if the link will work for everyone but I immediately thought of you Chrissyjo – it’s a very interesting watch, compassionate to all parties, sensitive, and includes a place called Maytree where I actually stayed recently (it did really help). http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b05n2922/life-after-suicide
There’s no such thing as too old to feel hurt by the pain that lurks inside each of us. You’ve gone through a lot in your life, and to not be affected by that would be inhuman. That said, I’m truly sorry you’ve had so many horrible events in your past.
You said you have had lots of good things happen in your life too. I know it probably pales in comparison with the evil that besieges your heart, but I’m glad that you have many wonderful moments to recall.
These’s also nothing embarrassing about being scared to die. it takes a lot of courage to die, just as it takes a lot of courage to live and it’s hard to find either. I hope you find the courage to live though, just so that you might have some more good in your life.
If you can’t, I was glad to have met you. Thank you for telling us about yourself.
I am going to watch that @louise52 – thanks for the recommendation. I’ve thought a lot recently about suicide and I don’t understand those that treat suicide or those that are suicidal without compassion. I’ve never thought that suicide was the ‘easy way out’ – it must take so much courage to attempt or to actually complete. Some days I live in a very dark place – I can’t imagine how much darker it must be for someone who takes that final step. So glad to meet all of you – and hope that you will reach out if you need someone/