Scars aren’t getting better

So, a year ago I had a laser treatment on my face which left scars. They’re not getting any better. And so many things have gone wrong since then. I wish I hadn’t done it. I thought I was getting over this, but in the past week I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot.

Yesterday I walked home and I wished there would be some madman waiting for me and throwing an axe through my chest. Then I stayed up all night browsing humor sites just to keep myself preoccupied. When I finally went to sleep near morning, the only thing that calmed me was the idea of a noose in the middle of a forest. Yeah, that actually allowed me to sleep a bit.

I have some really great opportunities going for me right now, but nothing feels worth it knowing I have failed so terribly. It’s not just my face, my ruined face represents everything else that has gone wrong. Even if I succeeded at everything from now on, but my face stays like this, I can’t be happy.

I am sometimes happy, almost extatic after a particularly good day. But things go straight to hell so quickly the following day that I don’t think even the good moments are worth it.

I ruined my life a year ago. No matter what happens, that is something that will never go away. There is only one way it will ever go away. And the only other option is living with it forever.