What a night..

Woke up this morning in pain. It was different than the usual emotional and mental pain of waking up and realizing you’re still in prison. A prison created by your mind, for your mind. Although the sense of depression, despair, loneliness, suicidal ideation and self hatred were still present, this pain was of the physical element. I tried to wake myself out of the fog and come to and try to remember what I might have done to cause myself physical pain. Specifically to my knee. I came to and remembered the events of last night as they unfolded in my mind. I stood on the cross ties of rail road tracks as I awaited for the oncoming speeding train to make contact. I remember the speeding locomotive coming around the bend through the trees and seeing me for the first time. The engineer laying frantically on the horns trying to get me off the tracks. He was helpless to stop the events that were to unfold before him. Despite not planning for this to be the day and method of choice, it just felt like the time. I wanted it to be so badly. Part of me realized I had things I needed to sort out before I go. Knowing my original plans are to end it on the anniversary date of my car wreck, March 29th.  Saner minds prevailed as I literally jumped off the tracks in the nick of time. Landing on the bedrock below. After I walked the tracks back into town in the public view, and began to cross the guard rails I spotted a cop heading my way as he crossed over the tracks and began to turn in my direction. A surge of adrenaline rushed through my veins as I hurdled the rails and began to run and jump anything in my way with ease. My only means of truly hiding and escaping was to either run back down to the tracks towards the wooded area or find the closest patch of brush, which I managed to jump into and cover myself up with leaves and debris. Shortly after jumping in the small island of shrubbery I realized I was not alone. I began to hear an animal in my presence.  I began to weigh my choices heavily at this point. Do I stay here in the 30 degree night and possibly get bitten, or get caught by the police, and sent to the crazy farm and listen to people yell and scream all night long. I chose to take my chances with the creature I was taking shelter with. Not only would I have probably been arrested for possibly trespassing, or sent to the mental ward, I probably have warrants out for me. Realizing Georgia State Patrol probably has a warrant out for me after eluding a cop one morning on my way to work in a manic state. Another possible warrant, although probably unlikely is for Jury Duty evasion in another county I lived in a year or so ago. So between those possibilities, I stuck it out in the shrubs with my animal friend until I felt it was safe to leave and walk back to my car. I didn’t realize till later last night and this morning I busted my knee up pretty good as I was running from the cop. Maybe I wasn’t as smooth as I thought I was. And that was my night last night, how was yours?