I can’t breathe, I can’t think. My heart is broken, my life is broken, I am broken. My mom shot herself 2 years ago and I’m trying to not think these thoughts, make these plans..I just can’t help it. I am so sad and alone and lost. I always wanted my legacy to be something extraordinary, special. It didn’t work out. My life has been one tragedy, one struggle, after another. People say I’m smart & beautiful, but I’m not. I never married because I didn’t want to ‘settle’.. but people just assume there’s something wrong with me. Every night I come home to an empty house, all the love in my life left when she did. I tried to heal myself by caring for my dad, but he died in November. I feel like a failure, a nobody. So unlovable that even my own mother put a gun to her head instead of reaching out to me, her best friend. I can’t get past it. I can’t see myself as anything but gone.
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3 comments
MelindaGoesAway,
“My life has been one tragedy, one struggle, after another. ” I hate that shit! but hey it happens, me too!” I always wanted my legacy to be something extraordinary” you can! that’s up to you! your not done yet! tragedy is a stumbling block you have no control over, you have to grieve then carry on, become that extraordinary person! in fact sounds like you already are to me.
If you give up now, you’ll never have a chance at the happiness you deserve.
You sound pretty lovable to me…caring for your parents and so forth. Sorry to hear about the loss of both your parents. You should never take the suicide of your mother personally-basically her pain outweighed her care for others like yourself.
There’s a few people I truly care about and I know it’d affect them deeply if I ended my life-so it’s one reason I stick around. However there may come a point where I might hate my life too much or feel I’m at the end of my rope and at that point my death will matter much more to me than how others will be impacted by my loss. Ultimately we live and die alone.
As for loneliness, it’s something I contend with as well-while I have friends/family, I don’t have any ‘special person’ in my life, but I try to cope as best as I can. Some people are fine on their own, but others like me live for companionship and it’s that’s much worse when you have no one. At the same time, I tend to have somewhat high standards since I used to do very well in the past with dating. It makes it that much harder since I’m also older now and don’t socialize as much as I used to.
But getting back to you-only going by your post, you sound like a good catch and I’d recommend getting out there with your friends-you might find someone great who’d really care for you.