Well here goes, I should be writing a research paper at the moment and I’m already behind on thesis work for a industry panel review on Thursday which is freaking me out. Sorry if that sounds like I’m trying to act like I’m better because clearly I’m not, I have paralyzing anxiety and getting things done hardly happens, I have withdrawn from college twice with no tuition reimbursement in the past, which I can’t even really afford to pay for anymore so I really just need to buckle down and graduate since I’ve been an undergraduate for six years now for a four year degree. I have issues. Maybe this is just me procrastinating, but I have come to the realization that I am hyper-sensitive and that I have a lot of issues with noises bothering me and really irritating me and certain tactile sensations also really bother me, like viscerally it pains me. I think I got it from my mother who is also very much bothered by loud noises and other things. I am thinking of getting occupational therapy for it. But I am already postponing dental work and allergy shots which are two big things I would rather spend money on if I could. Although maybe this is very important because when I’m stressed I tend to get that weird OCD with sensation (like certain wet textures, feet really bother me), touch and noises. And I tend to want to itch until I bleed, like something I have to do to get rid of this icky feeling.
So apparently this evangelical nutcase, Dr. James Dobson, was the one who advocated my mother beating me with a stick. And whatever your political position on this, I don’t care, just need to get through how this really affected me. So my mother over lunch tells me why she used to hit me and my sisters as children, which you know, sometimes she remembers doing and sometimes she doesn’t even though I know for a fact she did because my sister and I talk about it sometimes and how it scarred our childhood. She is just that type of person though, who “won’t remember” anything that might tarnish her view of herself as anything other than the matyr, because I know she tells all her friends how awful her children are and how they never have the time to visit, etc etc. WELL maybe because you were a terrible mother and I still hate you for it! Anyway, so I’m researching this man, who is an advocate for religiously motivated child abuse, and just reading some of this crap, like his view on beating animals and children is sickening, here’s a link… http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/09/21/248654/-James-Dobson-and-religiously-motivated-child-abuse#comments
and now I’m like, well no wonder I’m so fu*ked up! And can I blame my mother for being dumb enough to follow this delusional crack pot’s advice? Or should I just really hate the man who is spreading his sick shit everywhere and misadvising parents to dominate little children and beat them for every little transgression. And I hate that it was the other church mothers and church goers who advised this book to my mom in the first place. So my mom tells me that apparently she just read the first chapter, why she wasn’t totally just sickened by the violence and wasn’t smart enough to just be like “oh this is crap” confuses me, which advocates showing the child who is boss by corporal punishment. But then she read the second chapter after beating us all the time and realized that submissive children who are already pretty obedient do not need to be punished as severely. It’s fucked up either way, but my mom was like, oh, my three daughters are all very quiet and well behaved and I just beat them for small things they did wrong because, like maybe they were a toddler and didn’t have motor controls and might drop something…. Or like, yelling at us to clean things up when we were infants and couldn’t possibly, or having to skip dinners frequently if I so much as seemed to give her an attitude, or trying to force my sister to eat eggs with chives in them and after my sister threw up trying to eat it, she tried to force my sister to eat her own throw up. Oh god, I don’t think I can and I don’t think I should ever forgive her, but anyway she says that after reading the second chapter she felt bad. But you know, now that I think about it, she was an abusive parent because, if she didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t have relished it so much because it made her feel in control.
She also kept saying “well he’s a Dr” which honestly means sh*t to me, because getting a phD in psychology is the so easy if you have the money and are of average intelligence, actually I wouldn’t be surprised if a few below average individuals were in programs as well. I know so many quack psychology professors, some are good and do research, others are purely theoretical and use it to spread religious bullshit like Dobson. Ever try doing research on nano-particles and cyto-toxicity, yeah, that shit is actually hard. I can’t even stress enough how easy it is to get a psych degree because psychology is so easy… and it shouldn’t be! Good psychology practices scientific modules to back up claims. I have so much more respect for neuroscience and this is coming from someone who has taken classes in cognitive psychology, abnormal psychology, child and adolescent development psychology, and gender and sex psychology with professors who all have phD’s and two are also researchers. So fuck this religious fanatic sadist, and maybe this contributed to why I am the way I am. And you know what, fuck my boyfriend’s stupid parents, and their bullshit and they are also terrible hypocrites who are snobs and hate anyone who isn’t rich or jewish. So you know what, I hate people, and I hate everyone and yes that is a huge tunnel vision generalization, I know that, but you can’t argue with irrational feelings, but you know they are somewhat rational. Because there are terrible assholes out there, and maybe it’s part of the human condition to be self-absorbed egocentric as*holes. Like my room mate for example. Sorry I’m so messy I just have actual sh*t to do and it’s my senior year and I’m trying to just scrape by and finish my thesis on time, I’m already late on assignments and I don’t have time. Also my room mate is a huge inconsiderate assho*le anyway, just a counterfeit Richard Clarkson (he literally just rips off other people’s work, or maybe he is not intelligent enough to do his own research and is just ignorant).